Happy New Year!

Had a happy new year at 3 pm at my Grandma's Assisted Living Facility. It's great fun. We've done it several times. They have a band in, and play oldies, and get all the residents to come and wear feather crowns and top hats and blowing horns and shaking noisemakers. :)

Later we took Grandma to visit her old neighbor at the other building. That was fun, too. :)

Now we're back where we're staying, and we're watching a bit of Down with Love.

Trip Log

It's been a nice week with my BF in the Midwest. We had snow on the ground when we arrived and more fresh overnight. Then we had ice and rain and thaw and so forth. :) We skipped the day trip . . .

We got to spend time with some of my friends and time alone together exploring the town. I got to meditate in the Domes (M. had several books to read while I was busy). We also had an official tour of the Domes, so M. could see them. There were a couple of other MSAE/MUM (see sidebar) graduates with their girlfriends on the tour as well. It was kind of weird--they've grown up and changed a lot, but then, I suppose, I have, too.

Now I'm in the Chicago area with my parents. We dropped M. off at the airport (in Iowa) on our way here. Tomorrow, we'll visit my Grandma. I'd better close now. I ought to get ready for bed. :)

Melt to Ice

So first it melts, and then it rains, and then it freezes. Just in time for us to go on a day trip tomorrow! Well, not if the roads are icy . . .

Merry or Pippin Christmas

It's white and snowy and cold and cozy and fun, here in the Heart Land.

Travel was slowed a bit by cold and technical troubles, but we got in the same day, before dark, so that was good.

We've got lots of plans and stuff to do, and I'm happy because everyone is getting along so far.

Very Merry to you too . . . And very Pippin. ;-)

Silicorn Vally, Here I Come

Our affectionate name for the town I grew up in. It's surrounded by cornfields and full of software start-ups. I head there tomorrow too early to mention. Must check-in on-line and finish last minute errands.

Busy, Busy Elf

I played Santa's Little Helper yesterday and got a lot of X-mas things done. Making and wrapping presents, packaging and addressing them. I've still got a few knitted things to finish up, but other than that I'm done, which is good. I'm starting to feel the pressure of needing to get way to much done in way to little time.

Heretics

Meant to tell about this before, but stuff got in the way. This weekend, I heard part of a really interesting episode of This American Life, about a heretic. You can read about it here and listen to it by clicking on the speaker link on the page. It was really interesting, because it was an interview about a man who had been an evangelical, pentecostal minister who stopped believing in hell. And he also started believing that you didn't have to believe in Jesus to be saved.

I'm not sure that I agree with all his ideas. I don't believe that humans are sinful by nature or that Jesus was the Son of God, or even that his death "saved the sins of the world." I believe in the basic goodness of people. I believe that we create our own heaven or hell based on our actions. But it was really cool to hear about someone switching from believing so deeply in evangelical Christianity to believing in universal salvation and not believing in hell.

I only heard parts of it on the radio, so I'm listening to a podcast of it right now. It's hard to write and listen at the same time. So I'll let you read/listen to it yourself at your leisure. :)

Rain and Rainbows

I walked out the door this morning and there was a rainbow above the roof tops. It was raining, but the sun was coming through the clouds in places, so I got to see the rainbow appear and disappear as I drove to work. At one point, it was a (partial) double rainbow and I could see both ends on either side of the highway. Then I drove right under it. Pretty cool!

Easy Hard Week

So this week was supposed to be a real challenge, with long hours etc., but turns out I've gotten off work "early" two out of three days so far. Today will probably be different, but either way I win--I either get more time at home or more money! :)

Dickens Warmed Over

My bf took me to the Dickens Christmas Fair, where we met a friend of his from collage, on Saturday. I really enjoyed it. Most of the people there seemed to be in costume. There were lots of booths with things for sale, and lots of side shows. My favorite booths were the craft ones, pottery and weaving and such, and my favorite side show was the statue-man. He was all white, and could pose as still as a statue, but he also had this ball that he could roll around with his hands. It looked weightless and sometimes even motionless as he moved his hands around it. It was really cool.

The other really cool thing (or should I say hot thing) that happened, was that I got my heater pilot light turned on for the season. Yay! Now I have a warm house to come home to. :) It was so nice this morning to step outside and actually feel how much colder it was outside than in. :)

Too Much Time

I've got time to blog--I'm at work and the baby is sleeping like, well, a baby. But I've got nothing to blog about! Except that I am royal grouch right now. Don't feel like doing my grousing and complaining on-line. 'Nuff said.

Christmas Cheer

My week is going well so far. It's been light in terms of work. The really exciting thing is that the people I work for found out that I have a lap top and said it was o.k. for me to bring it along and use their wifi while the baby is sleeping. So I'm getting on-line a bit more often now.

I'm working on re-organizing my living room. For one thing, it's getting cluttered with stuff I either want to post on-line to sell or don't currently use but want to keep, and for another, the lay out could be better, in terms of flow and use of space and stuff . . . I created a new arrangement yesterday that, with a bit more tweaking, will have room for a couch--something I've been missing since I moved in. I didn't originally want one, because they encourage bad posture, but now I have a boyfriend, I'm starting to re-think it for other reasons. :)

I'm really enjoying the Christmas season so far. It's one of my favorite times of year. I know a lot of people find the holidays stressful, but I love all the corny decorations and sappy music. Plus I'm looking forward to going home to see my parents.

Power to the Kids

I've had nearly a week off from work, and tried to make good use of it. I was unmotivated for the first couple of days, but since then, I've been quite productive. I'm feeling pretty good about myself. :)

I'm also starting to look forward to my trip back "home" to visit my parents. My BF will be coming with me this year, and there are lots of people and places I want to introduce him to . . .

I'm also really excited about an organization I've been hearing about for a little over a year now, called KidPower. They teach people safety skills to kids. These skills are also relationship building skills because they are boundary setting skills. I wonder what my life would have been like if there had been a KidPower center in the town I grew up in . . .

HD Met

On Wednesday, my bf took me to see an opera broadcast in HD from the Met. It was a re-play of a live broadcast. Apparently this is something that the Met does for most of their operas. It was pretty cool--the best of both the movies and live performance. It had all the creative solutions to how to portray things on a stage that you don't get in movies, but it had all the close ups that you don't get at a play or opera.

And the story was really interesting, too. It was called Dr. Atomic, and it was about the days and weeks leading up to the first test of an atomic bomb in New Mexico. I was fascinated by all the moral and social and political issues that it brought up and explored. I particularly enjoyed the way the main character's wife was expressing her concerns about her husband's work. I also learned a lot about nuclear technology, and about how little was known before the test about what would happen.

Good Endings Make Good Beginnings

Had a great weekend. On Friday, I was worried that it was going to be awful, as I was feeling stressed out from too long of a work week, but sleeping in on Saturday seemed to dissolve all my frustration and so I was able to enjoy myself.

On Saturday afternoon, my boyfriend took me to the Tech Museum in San Jose to see an exhibit about Leonardo Da Vinci. It was really fun and interesting. I enjoyed seeing all the models of the mechanical inventions and trying to figure out from looking at them how they worked and what they were supposed to do. Later, we went into the main part of the museum and enjoyed some of the fun exhibits that are meant for kids--but are really just fun for everyone.

On Sunday we went to the early service at our church, then shopping, and them back to my place to make lunch and have a long, serious talk. It was really good in a different way. I always feel better when problems get aired, instead of being held inside, even if the airing process can be emotional.

Today, I was worried that there would be weirdness at work, due to my being really pissed about stuff the last time I was there, but somehow, things must have cleared for them too over the weekend, and so it was o.k. I'm optimistic about life right now. :)

Too Much

O.K., there is so much to say since I last posted.

First, my wonderful BF took me to the movies and when our first choice sold out before we could get to the ticket window, we took a chance on one we knew nothing about--The Secret Life of Bees. We both enjoyed it--although for different reasons. You can read his review here. I didn't take issue with the black nanny/white girl deal, but I did wonder how three black sisters could afford such a luxurious house and property back in the 60's. Never the less, I enjoyed the emotional drama, the cinematic effects, etc., and most of all, the chance for a good cry. :)

Next, our new president-elect. One of the really cool things about being on the west coast for this election was hearing the returns live, and not too late in the evening. I was listening to NPR when they called the election, and I got to hear both McCain's concession speech, and Obama's victory speech and still have my light out well before 10 pm.

Third, Prop 8 passed and I am really disappointed, but also glad that it was such a close race. It just saddens me that people would want to prevent people who love each other from getting married.

Fourth, Measure B, which would have brought BART to Santa Clara County, missed it's 2/3 majority approval by .26%! Ugh! It got 66.41% yes votes and still faild because it needed 66.67%. So close! I used to live in the East Bay, where we have BART, and it is so much better than the commuter train system (read CalTrain).

I'll sign off now. I'm working this evening and I want to meditate and still leave plenty of time to not fight traffic on the way there.

Gas Under Three

Today I actually saw a sign for gas that was under $3 per gallon! Stop the presses! This is a news worthy moment!

Well, not really, but nothing else that exciting has happened lately . . .

Life is still pretty good. I'm trying to figure out what measures and propositions to vote for. This state is either extremely political, or just has really bad laws, because the ballots are always flooded with local measures and statewide propositions. A few are clean cut, but most are really hard to decide on, because I either don't know enough about the issue to have an opinion, or the new law is vague and unclear enough that it's hard to know whether I actually support the proposed law or not. Ugh! Politics!

Back on Track

Things are so much better this week that I actually had the energy to get out to the library before work. I've been so productive and I'm excited about doing even more projects. Suddenly, I actually want to get that stuff that's been sitting in my "out-box" for over a year out of the house. And I want to work on my framing project (framing art from my collage days for my walls) and all sorts of other things.

The weather had finally turned cool and foggy. It's such a relief after a summer of nothing but blue sky. I have more energy for my work, and more energy for myself. Life is good. Except that I need to fill my ga$ tank again . . .

Kicking up Leaves

On my walk to the library today, there was this beautiful Maple Tree that had been dropping leaves all over and no one had raked them up, so I got to kick through them. It reminded me of "real" falls in the Midwest.

Finally got to read the answers to a question I e-mailed to the people who make the Flower Essences I work with. There was a long discourse on being an Empath. Had never heard of this before, but am very intrigued, particularly by the idea that some of the emotions I feel might not actually be mine. Hmm. Realized I had been carrying around someone else's depression and released it. Am feeling so much better.

Had a very specific plan of what to do today hear at the library, including leaving by a certain time (which is in 10 minutes). But got side-tracked by a "project" that involved a lot of browsing and day dreaming. So now am trying to cover the main points of the original plan in less than 10 min. Really will leave "on-time" today.

Too Busy

Life has been just too busy. I started a post last week, but I had my computer on battery and it cut out before I could finish.

Anyway, work has been hard. On the one hand, I'm glad to have a job; on the other, working in another family's home is quite challenging. Flower Essences are providing some of the support I need, but having support doesn't change the basic situation . . .

Went to a Dar Williams concert this week with my BF. It was fun to hear her live again. Unfortunately, I couldn't see very well, do to a large, standing room only crowd, but, hey, it's good she had a crowd, right? I'm still tripping over the guy who opened for her. I thought he must be some little known, or up-and-coming musician, but then, for his final song, he played something I first heard on the radio when I was at boarding school. I didn't pay much attention to radio back then, but there were a few songs I took note of and liked. This is one that still gets play on some stations. I'm pretty sure I've heard it recently. It totally blew my mind. Dar Williams has someone opening for her who gets mainstream radio play? Huh?

So anyway, life is up and down and up again. Right now I'm just glad to have some time at home ahead of me this weekend.

Painted Garden

So my church had this community service day today. I went out to a farm to volunteer, wore grubby clothes, ready to get dirty, brought brand new gardening gloves--bought for the adventure, and they asked us to paint! I wasn't exactly planning on ruining those clothes forever . . . Oh, well. They were old and the pants at least I never was going to wear for nice again as they were already stained, but the fleece pullover was in fine condition . . . I never did like to be too tidy with projects, though, so of course I got paint everywhere. It was inevitable. It even got in my hair.

The wonderful thing is how thoroughly I enjoyed myself. They're open for volunteers regularly, and I'm seriously considering going again. Now I even have dedicated clothes! I could have opted to work in the garden, but I wanted to be with the others from our group, and they were painting. So I went with them and enjoyed their company. Next time I go, I'll have to plan not to go to a Farmer's Market the day before, because they offered us free produce for volunteering. Unfortunately, my fridge was full . . . So much for not taking on anything new for a while. Then again, I haven't committed to anything . . . :)

Back in Ballance

It's really starting to feel like fall now. There's even wind and some colored leaves and the high was below 70 today. Can't complain about California, unless you're crazy like me and actually like winter and snow and all that . . .

Am acclimating to longer work hours much better than expected. A good deal of thanks is due to the people at Green Hope Farm for their fabulous flower essences and to my local Ortho-Bionomy practitioner. Have been in process for several weeks with parents, trying to re-define rolls, relationships, boundaries, etc. The whole experience produced quite a bit of upheaval--hence my non-specific blog posts--but seems to have come to a resolution. Had a huge emotional release during an O-B session on Wed, and am now feeling much more grounded and centered.

Am quite busy lately with church functions. Amazingly, I have so far had the energy to juggle it all. :) But it has been somewhat stressful, and therefore might be nice to avoid taking on anything more for a few weeks . . .

Finished the NVC book, and am continuing to use and enjoy the process. Am really enjoying the resultant insights into self and also am more able to imagine what others might be feeling/needing. There really does seem to be a point when the focus shifts from, "What do/did they think of me?" to, "What are/did they feel/need," that makes a difference in my perception of the situation and in my feeling towards whoever I'm dealing with. Unfortunately, it often takes half-an-hour or more of quiet thought and space from the stressful situation to actually get to that new place, but at least I'm getting there. Hopefully, with practice, it will become more spontaneous and less time-consuming.

Country in Distress

There is this house near where I work that flies an American flag. Well, actually there are several houses that do that, but the one I'm talking about is unique. I first noticed it because the flag was not only faded and old, but also upside down. I had recently read a book in which the characters used an upside down flag as a universal distress signal. I thought the people must be thumbing their noses at our country. It seemed to me to be a mixture of rebellion and disrespect. But then, a couple weeks ago, I noticed that they had put up a new flag, but it was still upside down. That led me to change my opinion and think that the folks in that house must be patriotic about America, but very concerned about our current government. I guess that's pretty much how I feel, too.

Dar Williams said it best in her song, Anthem: "I am an American./From the fourth grade turkey pageant to the protest march I stand./I am an American./I know there's blood in the pavement and we've turned the fields to sand./Hey I know where I come from, but I have a question,/Shall we the people never come home?/For after all that we've been are the dreams to come after. "

Up-date? Down-date?

Sometimes I hate the internet. I know what my question is, but I don't know how to phrase it to get the answer I want. Like today, I wanted to find out how my banks are doing, what will all the crazy stuff going on with the stock market and all, but I'm at a loss as to how to go about it . . . Then I wanted to find out how important it really is to have covers on electrical sockets, and what the specific dangers are, but every site I looked at so far, just said to do it. I want to know why!

On the up-side, it's finally starting to feel a little like fall here, and I seem to be sorting through more issues--at least things aren't festering! But the sorting process can be rather tiresome, especially dealing with all the emotions that come up. However, the book I'm reading, Nonviolent Communication, has been extremely useful in helping me clarify what I'm feeling, why, and what I want. The techniques in it have also helped me to be more effective in my communication with others.

NPR Reaches New Lows

It's pretty rare for me to turn on NPR, I usually listen to music when I'm in the car, and I don't put on the radio at home, as I dislike contending with all the static . . . but this morning, I remembered that it was Saturday and that NPR would have some of it's more entertaining shows on. What I hadn't realized was that the local station was in the middle of a pledge drive. It should have occurred to me, since the TV station with the same call letters was on at the house I work in one day last week, and it was having a pledge drive, but I didn't put the two together before tuning in this morning.

So the show Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me was doing bloopers and re-runs and stuff for the pledge drive. First there was the limerick about a blooper that actually aired. Apparently the folks at NPR didn't realize what the name Mike Rotch would sound like to listeners . . . Then there was the new invention that would theoretically allow women to power cell phones and ipods from the jiggling of their breasts. And to cap the hour, was a segment on the Florida legislature requiring citizens to neuter their SUV's. Apparently metal testicles are a popular auto accessory in the Sunshine State.

In Appreciation

Last week, my BF took me out on a wonderful date to celebrate our anniversary. We had dinner at a very nice Indian restaurant. The ambiance was lovely--intimate lighting with candles on the tables, soft music we both could enjoy. The food was both delicious and satisfying. But the best part was being able to just relax and enjoy our time together, knowing everything was well planned.

Notes from the Freeway

Have worked every day this week. Was slightly stressful, but overall o.k.--money is good.

Since I do most of my radio listening in the car, I got to hear some interesting stuff during my commute. One incident that I really enjoyed was hearing "I'm Yours" on the station that plays it, and "The Remedy," all the time, and then switching to the station that never plays Jason Mraz, b/c of an commercial break, and hearing the tail end of "I'm Yours" there, too!

Another highlight was seeing a black Prius with Stop Wars in white on the back, done like the Star Wars logo.

Also discovered a couple of different stations due to searching for ones not playing commercials. Sometimes it seems like all the stations go on commercial break at once.

Had to be at work super early (for me) today, and got lucky and hit a streak of green lights. This never happnes during rush hour. So I was even earlier that necessary.

Have a headache now. Have been watching TV at work, b/c of wanting more of a break than reading gives, but TV messes with my eyes, and now an hour in front of computer has made things worse. :( Will sign off soon, and return to necessary business on-line tomorrow.

Dark Night, Dark Knight

So I've been hearing about this movie, The Dark Night, first from a friend who couldn't answer my call because she was in the theater. I didn't think she was that excited about Dramas, but whatever. She seemed to think I should just know what she was talking about, so I didn't ask her, but later I asked my BF and he started telling me about it, and finally mentioned Batman, and I was like, "Was I supposed to know that?" and he said, "Well, when you say "Dark Night" that's synonymous with Batman." And I thought, "O.K., whatever." Then today I saw an add on a bus. I'm sure I'd seen it spelled out before, but since I'd heard it first, the spelling didn't register until today. Suddenly everything makes sense. I get that the Dark Knight would be synonymous with Batman.

Another thing that doesn't make sense is this song I've been hearing on the radio that I could swear I remember from High School, but the DJ's are calling new. Is it a remake? I don't know how to find this kind of info on the web, anyone got any hints for me (via e-mail, this blog is still closed for comments)? It's called Come on Get Higher and it's currently sung by Matt Nathanson. TIA.

Oh, and good news--Flower Essences arrived a day earlier than anticipated! Yay!

Week Off

The family I work for are out of town, so I get the week off. :) This is good.

My flower essences have yet to arrive. Apparently, the message I left on their answering machine didn't translate into an order this time . . . So I re-ordered and they should arrive on Thurs. Looking forward with great anticipation.

Am enjoying reading about herbs. Have gotten excited about actually using them, have made a vinegar tincture, and started drinking more herbal teas, made a dish called Dandelion Italliano. Am enjoying Susun Weeds Menopausal Years much more than The Childbearing Year. Maybe because the issues and remedies are less specific and more readily applied to other areas of life beyond menopause.

Had a call from a friend on Sunday and since church switched to two services, was actually able to talk for a while before leaving to attend the later service. Am getting more involved with church life and volunteering. Feel slightly guilty for not volunteering more with the birth community, but honestly don't like the politics of that organization. Feel it isn't organized well for smooth, simple volunteering. Also, don't get on well with all the other professionals in the organization . . . Ah, well, such is life . . .

Car in shop for high mileage repairs, so out on bike today. Exercise is good. Cooler weather is refreshing.

Getting in Shape

I'm starting to really get back in shape with all the walking I do for my job. I take the baby out for an hour most days I'm there, and the area is hilly, so that helps, too. I've noticed that since I've been walking more, I'm more motivated to ride my bike and walk around my neighborhood as well. It feels really good to be getting more exercise. I hope I can keep it up. I'm also reading a book on exercise, which is starting to motivate me to try to fit in some basic strength exercises as well. But that is more matter of finding the time . . . I ought to be able start on it this week, as I have the next 10 days off from work . . . So then it's really about motivation . . .

Life is good, overall. My emotions are back in balance. Getting off work at 5pm 2 days out of 3 this week really helped my psychology. It's really nice to have enough time to be in bed before 10 without having to try to sleep on a full stomach.

Back in Balance

I had a lovely Ortho-Bionomy session with a wonderful Healer yesterday. It brought me back into emotional balance and gave me some much needed rest while realigning my physical body. It also included recommendations for some new flower essences which will help me to cope with the emotional stresses of working additional hours.

Also, I've had a couple of possible clients show up in my radar in the past week--putting my focus on advertising and marketing is bringing results! Wow!

And I had some interesting insights about myself as a result of hearing a particular song on one of the Jason Mraz CD's I got out of the library yesterday. When I started examining why I found the song so offensive, I came to a much clearer understanding of myself and my preferences in certain areas. The general idea was that I want to use my imagination to fill in the details--or, as my friend Heather put it recently in her blog, I don't mind if you cook a meal for me and arrange it beautifully on the plate, but I don't need you to chew it for me as well!

Riding the Roller Coaster

I'm afraid the adjustment period for working longer hours will be rougher than I thought. Eek! Not looking forward to having to sacrifice emotional sanity for financial security.

Question: Is that the only option?

Off to the Farm(ers Market). Heh. Wish it really was the farm . . .

Melt Down

I had a complete and unprovoked melt down last night. Very worrisome. Am concerned that this might mean I am working too hard. Beginning to worry about balancing my emotional needs for down time with my practical need to earn enough to pay the rent, ect.

The past two days have actually been very good, from an objective stand point. I enjoyed Church and did fairly well at my Meet The Doula's Night yesterday. Today I put in some work on my "to do" list, and did some much needed research into something that has been worrying me about a possible upcoming move. Found out that the thing I was specifically worried about is an moot point and another thing that might have become a worry has lots of resources available for helping people navigate it. So a sigh of relief on that one. :)

I've actually been spending a lot of my time doing on-line research for various far-future plans. My mom was commenting on how she never could understand people who planned like that, but then she saw how well-planned the events they planned for were, and was impressed. So I feel justified in entertaining myself with plans for the future, even if it has no foothold in the present.

Pious Uproar

The e-mail uproar continues among various church committees. It's quite amusing really to watch everyone get all steamed over an issue I thought had been presented as inevitable. I really don't see what all the fuss is about. And I'm pretty sure my mistake in not getting my e-mail out fast enough was minor in the eyes of those who don't want this change to go forward at all. I'd heard that this was a touchy issue, but wow! Time bomb is more like it. Everyone has been avoiding or ignoring clear statements I heard that this would be happening in the fall. Even though they were couched in an, "If you decide to do this," manner, I really didn't hear any other viable solutions to the problem. But it's amazing how mad people get when a unilateral decision gets made because they were avoiding the issue it hopes it would go away.

I want to put in my 2c and let them know I'm willing to help, but I'm afraid if I offer anything I'll get piled with everything because there are so many complacent folks who think that it's o.k. to let others do all the work.

On the lighter side, the drive in was great fun, the movie was The Clone Wars. You know how the Star Wars movies are notorious for their comic book dialog and flat acting. Well the dialog in this one surpassed LucusFilm's previous standard both in word choice and delivery. The animation was done in such a way that everyone had the too tall, too thin proportions of a politically incorrect, plastic Mattel doll. Hair looked like it was molded in place and clothing was all form fitting. The only believable parts were the scenes in space. There was so much CGI there in the previous films, that this animation looked equally "real." And on the entertainment front--the plot was somewhat transparent in the larger scope, but it's always fun to see how the heroes manage to slide out of various scrapes. It even had a "happy" ending, which totally surprised me. I thought that the clone wars were a time when everything was falling to pieces and that this movie would show some of that, but I guess they were trying to appeal to kids, or something. Anyway, I'm really glad I got to see it, and the drive in experience was fun and new and romantic . . . ;-)

School's In!

Now that I've been out of school for several years, summer somehow seems a lot shorter, and school seems to start so early! But living around the corner from an elementary school, I do notice the sudden plethora of kids . . .

I got to a Farmer's Market today, the one with the lady who sells really big glass jars of honey and the framers who sell fragrant little roses. Then I biked on in to town to hit the bank and the WiFi at the library. It's odd to say I biked into town, since I don't live in the country, but I did cross the line from one city to another, and I am in the center of that town, which feels like it ought to be out in the corn fields, not surrounded by urban sprawl.

And guess what I'm doing tonight! My bf is taking me to a drive in movie. My first ever! (unless the odd dreams I remember from childhood were born of reality and not of other movies . . . sometimes I can't quite tell.)

I think I messed up on a message I "said" I'd present to a church committee and then didn't put into e-mail form immediately. Oops. I think I might have some apologizing to do . . . And in future, I won't volunteer to write e-mails unless I know I'll be on-line and have time to do it in a timely manner. (Currently kicking myself soundly as a reminder, not that corporal punishment works.) ;-)

Randomness of Life

So the matching avatar is a little late, because the public computer I was on yesterday doesn't support avatars, or more specifically, it doesn't support flash. But I still wanted to put it up. I decided not to rent a costume at the faire, but it was lots of fun anyway. :) And there were lots of other folks in costume to enjoy.

We've had exceptionally clear weather the past few days--all the smog has been up in the clouds. That makes the clouds look purplish gray, but it means you can see all the detail in the distance. It makes the views at work and on my commute really nice. Work has been really good lately, and I've got a promise of more hours starting in Jan.

Am feeling glad to have introduced a friend to some of my current favorite music through my blog postings. I'm in a pit of an experimenting mode, have been checking out CD's of artists I like on the radio, to see if I like their albums. Discovered this morning that the album I'd been putting off playing (because I was concerned I wouldn't like it) was actually pretty good. Not sure I'd buy it, but no songs I had to skip. Whereas the album I was pretty sure I'd like at least some of the songs on, I ended up skipping every song I didn't already know from radio play, because I found either the sound or the lyrics offensive. Definitely will not be buying that!

Have a long weekend (Thurs-Mon) because of clients being out of town. Must remember to get to the Meet the Doulas Night this month! (It's the same one I forgot last month.)

Have joined another church group and volunteered to put in a good bit of time before realizing how, um, time consuming that would be. Possible oops there, but we shall see. Am trying not to overcommit.

Renaissance Woman

I got to go to my first ever Ren Fair on Saturday with my boyfriend. It was great fun, despite the idiosyncrasies of public transit in the US. Included a walk through the Hippie section of town, the anachronism of vegetarian food in a medieval setting, and plenty of costumified folks. We saw the Queen, Her Majesty even participated in a dance. There was a potter (not hairy) , a blacksmith, a lady spinning, a middle eastern dance troupe, a jousting show, a man eating fire, and fencing and archery lessons. But mostly there were people selling stuff, cloths, metalwork, leather, stone, ect. And it was all jolly good fun. :)

Passing Smog

So I passed my biennial smog today. And got in 4 miles of walking. And did some grocery shopping. And talked to a friend. And did internet research. And I have a date tonight and another one tomorrow. ;) Life is Good.

Mysterious Smog

So, I was going to get my car smogged today, but the machine wasn't working at the place I took it to. Only I didn't find out in time to take my car elsewhere, so, Friday. But the cool thing was getting to walk past the Winchester Mystery House on my way there and back. And the place was close enough for me to walk home (which is part of why I didn't find out about the glitch until too late). So I got 4 miles of walking, plus the mile + round trip to the library for internet. I've been wasting way too much time playing with my private Amazon wish lists lately. I'd better go home and get ready for work tomorrow.

Music Review

I've been meaning to post a couple of songs here for a while, but I keep forgetting to bring my headphones to the library, so I can listen to the videos before posting them. Finally, I have the chance.

First there's a Country Song that always makes me laugh, because there is so much truth in it. It's Brad Paisley's I'm Still A Guy. The visual of this version didn't work for me, but it's the best sound of the options. If you want to see a funny, edited version, watch the Heroes version.

The other is a follow up to my post about I'm Yours by Jason Mraz. Just the other day on my way home from work I discovered that one of my favorite songs from collage, The Remedy, is also by Jason Mraz. They are quite different styles, and the fact that I like them both makes me think I might enjoy his albums, not just his singles. Listen to them both, and see for yourself.

Law Enforcement Presence

I know it ought to make me feel more secure, because they're doing their job and keeping things safe, but somehow seeing a bunch of police coming out of a building in my area, especially when they appear to be wearing bullet proof vests and helmets and there's a black paddy wagon parked in the street, is rather unnerving. Maybe it's because I start worrying about what could go wrong in the future? Somehow, the fact that they need to be there all all makes my neighborhood feel less safe.

Otherwise, life is good and productive. The Cupertino FM is fabulous! I ended up with more fruit than I can use in a week, but I can always freeze some. I'll have to try to get back there next week--I didn't have enough cash to get any honey, but the vendor there had some nice big jars in a shape I could easily re-use. (I'd rather get the size of glass jar that I like to use by buying things in them than just buy the jar.) I had just enough cash left over when I finished my shopping to buy myself a bouquet of roses. Not the hot-house kind, little bud roses in several colors. I didn't count, but probably a dozen or so, and at a good price. :) I love having fresh flowers in the house.

Gauche Blue Sky and an Red Alpha Romeo

So on Tuesday I had this fabulous day that started with a perfect sky that looked like something one of my art professors would have painted. It was his favorite colors, sky blue and white, and it somehow looked really flat, like gauche on cardboard (his favorite way to paint, don't ask . . . ). And then at work I discovered a text message from my b.f. to brighten an already good day. The baby had slept for nearly 3 hours, so I got to just sit and read . . . And on my way home, not only was there no traffic, but I was passed by a red Alpha Romeo. (I'd say vintage, but I've never seen one that wasn't). That's the first time I've actually seen one of those driving on the road. Only in California . . .

But then yesterday, the spell broke. The baby only slept an hour (except in the stroller) and I not only hit major traffic on my way home, but nearly missed rear ending someone who pulled out ahead of me from a near stop as I was accelerating in a lane moving at least 30 mph faster than the other lanes. Quite scary. Very relieved that my breaks work well.

It seems like most of my posts have to do with commuting these days. I guess that's because I can't talk about my life and my work are so, um, routine. Which is fine with me--that's how I like it. But it doesn't make for much to say. Maybe I should just accept it and create a category for commuting stories. Or maybe not.

Cat's Cradle

The book I'm listening to made a reference to the game of Cat's Cradle, and I realized I hadn't played with string in years. So I cut a length of yarn and tied a circle, just to see if my fingers still remember, and they do. That's body memory for you. :)

I've had a very lazy, only slightly productive weekend, but I planned it that way, so it's o.k. :)

Accidental Week

My commutes seemed to be plagued by accidents this week. The first slowed me down, but didn't look so serious when I got to it. The second looked pretty bad, but it was on the other side of the 8 lane highway, and not during rush hour, so it didn't affect me. The third slowed me down a lot, when I was already late, but then, if I'd been on time, I might have been in it, as it was pretty fresh.

Then one of those little warning lights on my dash board came on, so I had to take my car in. I've been needing to do that anyway, as I noticed something that was loose, but didn't seem to be affecting anything. Oops, it looks like that part might have been more important than I thought. I really need to learn more about cars.

So this has my whole day screwed. I was planning to go to a Farmer's Market, which I could technically still do, but I'd have to take public transit, and the system is too confusing for me to make sense of today. My brain feels totally fried, and I'm just not up for an adventure. So I guess I'll just go home and mope. Maybe I'll go to Whole Paycheck this afternoon to get the necessary supplies.

Tripple Digits

This is my 100th post. Wow! I know people who have been blogging a lot longer than me, but I'm amazed that I've posted this much in the past 8 months.

Anyway, I'm on-line because I had a survey to fill out for my church A.S.A.P. so I got to check my e-mail and post here, too.

I got to meet our new interim minister yesterday and help her with moving some boxes and furniture about in her new place so she can actually begin unpacking. I also completely forgot that I was supposed to be at a Meet the Doulas Night, but somehow, my R.S.V.P. didn't go through, so I was missed, but not expected. Hmm.

Then today I went on a clean-freak trip and vacuumed, swept, and mopped all my floors. It only took an hour or so, partly because I did it last week, too, and have kept things fairly tidy since . . . I'm learning to really enjoy housekeeping. Now if I could just get more efficient at actually purging my belongings. I'm really good at thinking about it, but not so hot at actually selling/donating the stuff.

Busy Week Off

I've had the last week "off" so of course I've been busier than usually--two dates with my boyfriend, a few "extra" hours at work, errands, catch-up, friends visiting from out of town, etc.

The ball game was pretty cool--5 homers, a flying broken bat, and a spectacular catch in the top of the 9th. Plus the home team won--always something worth cheering about. :)

The City on Thursday was fun, too. I don't like playing tourist when I'm alone, but somehow it's more fun with someone else. Public transit was a bit of a problem during rush hour, but feet can work just as well when they're not being crushed by high heals . . . Parks and boats and towers are all nice, even if exhaustion overtakes on the train ride home.

Today, a friend and her kids stopped by for lunch on their way home from camping at a KOA. I've been wanting to introduce them to my BF for quite a while now--they all liked each other, which is good. (That's what the balloons and sidewalk cafe motif is all about--I still can't figure out how to add a pack of school aged kids to my avatar . . . )

My library changed its hours and is no longer open on Sundays, and the Monday hours have always been a bit odd. Combine that with my work schedule and you'll see why I'm not posting as often as I was before. Maybe I "should" consider getting Internet at home, but coming to the library still isn't enough of a hassle to warrant the expense . . .

Take Me Out to the Ball Game

My BF is taking my to Candlestick Park tonight. Of course now it's called something else, AT&T park, I think, but it's the same place. This will be my second ever major league ball game. It promises to be good fun. :)

For Folks in California

My BF sent me this pertinent article on the new California same-sex marriage laws. It's a personal issue for me, because two weeks ago, my aunts got married for the second time. They went up to SF in 04, then the laws changed and they got "un-married," So this summer they got married again, but if this measure that will be on the Nov. ballet passes, I'm guessing that history will repeat itself.

Just imagine getting married, and then being told that your marriage is no longer valid. Well, honestly I can't imagine it, but I hear that it's an awful experience to go through. So I'm getting political again, and planting the seed.

For those of you in California, please vote on the side of love.

Smooth Sailing

I had a wonderful weekend "off" with lots of time for myself and a lovely evening out with my bf.

Work is going well. I finally picked up one of the baby carriers I've been meaning to get for my Postpartum Doula business, because this baby loves to be carried, but the carrier the parents use puts all the strain on my shoulders. So I got myself a "sienna" Moby wrap. The baby looks like a Tibetten monk in it. :) Parents got a huge kick out of this.

Have been feeling pinched for money lately, but just got an e-mail from a prospective client for Sept. Am very excited about the prospect of actually being able to continue to fit in Postpartum Doula work around nannying. Fingers crossed!

Stalled Cavalcade

On my way to work today there were a dozen cars stopped by the side of the road at varying intervals, but all within about a mile of each other. Really. It wasn't more than a mile from the first car I saw to the last, and there were so many that I started counting: 12. Most had blinkers on and/or people standing around with cell phones. What the . . . ? And this was on a major 8-lane highway at the end of rush hour. Oh, and I didn't see any signs of colision or dammage. Weird.

Work Week

I'm working more than usual this week (no objections as my usual is so low and money is good), and I've also been very productive with errands and other personal business (like getting on-line). The air quality got better over the weekend for my Aunt's wedding and my mom's visit, but now visibility is reduced again and it's getting hot. It's a Spare the Air day, but with out free transit, what more can I do than Drive 55 (which I do already)?

One exciting thing yesterday was getting to hear two of my favorite songs back-to-back on the radio. :)

Inspired to Clean

I always enjoy having people over to my house, especially because it usually inspires me to do some cleaning, or at least tidy up a bit. Like yesterday and today: my mom arrived this morning, and I put some time and energy into making the place nice for her--I was pretty surprised at how quickly it went, too. I guess I was just motivated by the "deadline."

In the birth picture, my favorite birth artist mentioned that this is National Unassisted Home Birth Week and posted a link to this supportive article on home birth. So there is something from the other side of the issue, and it is in the media. :) I'm happy.

The Curse of the Horrific Birth Story

As I was waiting for the library to open just now, I got to listen to several women compeating with each other for who had the most horrible birth story. It started because someone had a tiny, obviously new baby. Someone else was detailing the horrific birth of her 8lb 9oz baby, and how he had to be born by C-section due to a "fat" head and cord compression. I have to wonder how much of this was iatrogenic--cord prolaps is often due to AROM, the pelvic outlet is smallest in the lithotomy position prefered by docs, epidurals prevent the movement mothers and babies need to do togther in the dance of birth. And then the complaints about the length of labor started--7 hours, 9 hours--I'm sorry, but that doesn't sound long to me . . .

If these are the stories we tell each other, is it any surprise that most women in the US fear birth? Why aren't there more of the positive, empowering stories circultating? I know it's partly because not many women have those experiences, but I also think that there is a kind of one-upmanship in telling horrific birth stories, and the women who have good experiences get discounted. Eventually, even the women who want to share their positive stories can get shut down by the ones who blow them off, and so we only share our positive stories with folks who are supportive. But then what we know, that birth can be beautiful, empowering, even pleasurable, doen't get heard by the people who need to hear our voices. Like when the radio station talked about home birth, but only played a call from someone who had a home birth that included an emergency. And when I heard those women talking today, I didn't break in with other, positive stories of births I've attended--partly because I am bound by professional confidentiality, but partly because I knew that they wouldn't welcome the truth. I was afraid of being dismissed or attacked for telling the truth. I'm not Carla Hartley, but I admire her so much for her efforts to promote birth trust by telling the truth.

Fantastic Escape

I seem to be avoiding life at the moment, escaping into fantasy novels. The current one, which I mentioned yesterday, is Ender's Shadow. I let it keep me up late last night, which prevented me from going to the Farmer's Market this morning, but kept me a bit more easy going with the kids I had to babysit. I think it was worth the trade off--I can probably find another Framer's Market later in the week to get what I need . . .

Work Exhaustion

Glad as I am to be working again, it is wearing on me. I can't tell whether the exhaustion is due more to the long, late (for me) hours, or dealing with the emotional stresses in the family I'm working for. At any rate, I'm glad to have discovered the joys of driving 55. It keeps my commute sane and, amazingly, relaxing! And I have some good audio books to keep me company in the evenings when I'm totally burnt out.

Finished Red Mars yesterday--an interesting, but somewhat slow story about science and politics. Started on Ender's Shadow--an adventure story taking place at the same time as Ender's Game, but from the perspective of a different child. It promises to be a fast paced adventure, but also to make me think, which is good.

Saw Prince Caspian this morning. It's the one book in the Narnia series which I couldn't remember anything about--turns out it was one long battle. No wonder I forgot it--there was no real plot, just, "I'm going to die! Oh good, I have help. Oh no! We're all going to die! Never mind, here comes the real help. Our enemies will have to surrender." That was it, plus a bit of The Lord of the Rings-type cinematic effects.

Lego Star Wars

Have spent the weekend hanging out with a friend's kids while she works. Am getting a good deal of internet time, and have done some interesting research, followed up on several e-mails, etc.

One of the kids found some funny Lego Star Wars videos on You Tube. Quite amusing and entertaining.

Am worried about the current ACOG and AMA backlash against home birth, in response to Ricky Lake's movie, The Business of Being Born. See Hathor for related comics, blog posts, etc.

New Favorite Song

The music video is a bid odd--not what I would have expected, but then I'm not a music video expert--but here it is on You Tube. Jason Mraz--I'm Yours And here's the live version.

From Hell to Highway

The past few weeks have been an emotional hell, but I've slowly gotten my perspective back. I'm also back to working (and commuting) regularly. One of the comic artists whose work I follow posted a comic on the Drive 55 campaign, and I've been trying it out. It forces me to slow down mentally as well as physically, and my commute feels much less hectic when I drive slower than the traffic flow, instead of trying to keep up. It isn't always practical, time-wise, but I do it when I can.

Going Here

Well, not exactly, but they didn't have a Yosemite background. Still coping. Have gotten some help, but big issues don't resolve instantly. Still more questions and concerns than answers.

Wish I was Here

Am coping. That's all. A lake with a tire swing would be really nice. Puzzle Therapy is a good second-best. Conversations with mom and a friend helped, too. Friend offered some healing help--which I was glad to accept. Work tomorrow. Bills today. That seems backward, but, oh well.

And Unpacking

We're back. It was a long week. I really enjoyed it--especially the "dime tours," but I am in great need of rejuvenation. We were pretty much always doing something--going to the coast, exploring M.'s home area, or visiting friends and family members. It was a lot to take in.

Going to church this morning filled some of my need for rejuvenation and helped me get some perspective back. Usually, I need to be alone to recharge, but today I needed to be with my community. I feel more at home with the members of my church than I do in most communities. I feel like everything is emotionally "up" right now, and even though I know it's an opportunity to grow and learn and become a better person, it's not exactly easy. So having the support of my community today really helped. I feel like I'm coming back to my center. Last week I did a lot of coping, and now that I'm home, maybe I can process some of the issues that came up.

Packing

Now I've done some emotional unboxing, I'm starting to think concretely about preparing and packing for my upcoming trip. May not be on-line much over the next week . . .

Life is good right now. Saw the twins I used to nanny for, yesterday. They are 4 now, and just had their first hair-cut. Which is hard to believe, as both of them have incredibly long hair--but apparently the ends were ratty.

Anyway, they remember me, even though its been a year since I've worked for their mom. We all had a good time. :)

Got to meet some of M.'s soon-to-be former co-workers. Am looking forward to meeting his family, too.

Now it's just a matter of pulling together the lose ends before we leave.

Unboxing

Life continues to improve, as I discover the emotional boxes which I put myself into, and slowly find the flaps and unpack myself from my own confinement.

Back to Busy-ness

I feel like I finally got my head back on strait, helped along by a motherly pep-talk yesterday. I'm actually starting to focus and get things done again, after weeks and weeks of inertia. It feels really good.

For one thing, I'm inspired about finally finishing a book I've been trying to read for 2 or 3 months. It's been really hard to get through, because 4/5ths of it is "evidenced-based" information about stuff I already know. The problem with "evidenced-based" information is that it is so dry, and, from the perspective of my midwifery background, often incorrect or incomplete . . . But now I'm finally into the interesting sections that have to do directly with my work as a Postpartum Doula, it's going easier, and I can read more at a stretch.

After this book, I have to read 3 more, and then I'll be done with my reading list. Progress is good, so I'm planning to read a much shorter book next, before I tackle the next long one. Then I'll finish up with another short book. Rewards. :) What? They work!

Ten Things

O.k., I'm copy-catting here, but I thought it was a good idea, as I've been a bit depressed. So I'm going to go ahead and list ten things I feel grateful for. I got the idea here, but it's definitely something I've done before and might want to pick up doing again.

1. Being alive and healthy
   
2. My boyfriend
3. Work I love
4. Supportive parents
5. My friends
6. My bike and bike-trailer
7. My church community
8. TM
9. Slightly cooler whether
10. Living near my extended family

That was actually pretty hard. I guess I'm a bit depressed. But focusing on gratitude does lift my mood. :) Thanks, H. for the tip!

Heat Wave

It's hot. Temperatures are reaching record highs. And I am crazy enough not to drive or turn on the A.C. What's wrong with me? Well, if this is global warming, I want to do something about it. It's a pretty good motivator, actually. And walking/biking isn't too bad, with plenty of water and taking it slowly.

Plus, I have a North/West facing apartment, which does heat up some, but cools off relatively well overnight. And it stays relatively cool if I keep the windows closed during the day. I got dowels yesterday, so now I can open the windows safely at night. Only a crack, but it still helps.

The main problem with the heat is that it's demotivating. (I know that's not a word, but it means what I want to say. :-) I don't want to do anything or make any decisions. Maybe I'll be able to overcome my inertia this afternoon, or tomorrow, or some other time in the future. But for now, I doubt I'll do much today that can be put off until tomorrow. :-)

Speaker for the Dead

So I just finished reading this absolutely fabulous book. Its called Speaker for the Dead, by Orson Scott Card, and its the sequel to Ender's Game. Those of you who've been reading my blog may remember that I found Ender's Game extremely disturbing. I was talking to a friend about it later, trying to explain that I liked the book, I just found it disturbing. I even kind of liked the fact that it was disturbing. And it got me very interested in the rest of the series, so I'm glad I read it, because I think Speaker for the Dead was an incredibly powerful, deep, moving, and important book.

It's about Ender 3000 years later at age 35 (relativity and light travel allowed him to live 3000 years in about 20 years). But even more, it's about resolving conflict, not with more conflict, but with understanding, compromise, and cooperation. The issues are really clear, because the book deals with three extremely different species, but really, they could apply to almost anything. It's got me thinking so much and so deeply about life and conflict resolution, war and peace, compromise and sacrifice. I want to read it again, because I'm sure I missed large chunks of important material in trying to understand the plot. All I can say is, "Wow!" and go read the book. But read Ender's Game first--it lays the groundwork for understanding Speaker for the Dead--even the twisted, disturbing parts are necessary to really understand the challenges of non-violent conflict resolution.

Breakthrough!

I had a huge breakthrough in an Option Session with my teacher today! It was amazing! Wow! The details are way to personal to post here, but for those of you who know what I'm working on, I think I transformed a key belief. :) Yay! This is huge for me. Just absolutely huge.

Life in general is going well. I did a lot of thinking last night, and I've been fairly productive. Plans for an upcoming trip are beginning. Balancing desire for flexibility with desire for foreknowledge will be an interesting exercise . . .

Am feeling slightly guilty for driving instead of biking, but limited time seemed to make oil-powered transport necessary. Not that it's that much faster, in reality, but the muscle-powered transport has a longer set-up time . . . Plus the veggie-wilt factor . . .

Am glad to hear that a friend is happy and enjoying a gift that I didn't have a logical reason for giving (please excuse the possible connection to foil hats--I don't own one, really!). Sometimes things just work out without knowing why.

An Alarming Awakening

Things are better today. I got to bed early and set my alarm, so I'd be up in time for work, but my phone battery died in the night. Luckily, I woke up only 10 minutes late, but it kind of freaked me out.

Work was good. Money is always good. Hey, life is good! :)

Nothing much else to say.

Peopled out

So I'm back. Back on-line, back from the coast, back from the concert, back from the advertising fair. Everything went well, but I'm all peopled out and weepy.

The trip to the coast was nice, especially the ocean. I love the ocean. But I forget when I'm not there. There's not much else to say about it. It was mostly a lot of beach/coast waking and a bit of visiting with relatives.

The concert was really cool. Erin McKeown is awesome. She has a great stage presence, and really gets into her music, moving and dancing all over the stage. Her music is cool on its own, but seeing her in person is absolutely amazing!!!! The guy who opened for her was o.k. His name is Sean Hayes and he's got some good songs, but his stage presence is nothing special. His a good enough performer, but nothing like Ms. McKeown.

The advertising fair was the next day, which meant I only got a few hours of sleep. But I was able to stay awake enough to sell myself and my business to the trickle of people who came through. Mother's Day weekend is not an ideal weekend for an event like this. We had a bigger turn-out last year.

Speaking of Mother's Day, did you know that the original idea of Mother's Day was a Mother's Day for Peace? And it was started by Julia Ward Howe, who is best known for writing the Battle Hymn of the Republic. Check out Julia's Voice and The Mother's Day Proclamation for more info. (I learned about all this at church today from our liberal minister.)

Off to the Beach

We're going to the coast for a day and a half tomorrow. Plans for Beach and Aquarium and whatever. :)

Last night, as I was driving home, I ended up behind and a lane over from a quiet, lighted ambulance. Not flashing lights, just a lighted interior. I could see the passenger, and even though I knew it was some kind of medically serious situation, the whole scene just looked really peaceful. It was also kind of weird, having a glimpse into someone else's life like that.

Today is going well. I have a long list, and I'm doing pretty well at checking stuff off it.

I've got a concert to go to on Friday, business stuff on Saturday, and work on Monday, so I don't know when I'll be back on-line.

More whenever.

Orphan Works Addendum

One more site connected to the whole Orphan Works issue, The SAA Orphan Works Blog. Check it for updates on the issue.

Not much new with me. I got my bike trailer working again--now I have the means to do everything I do in my home area by bike, including shopping and getting water at the water store. Woohoo!

Everything else is holding pretty steady.

Orphan Works

O.k., so this is something I've been meaning to post about for a couple of weeks, but I wanted to say I'd written to my representatives about it before posting. So today, I wrote up my thoughts and sent them off to my Representative in the House and both my Senators.

The issue is the Orphan Works Act currently before congress (House and Senate). It's something that came up in 2006, expired, and got re-introduced. Basically what it means is that everyone except the corporations backing it will be screwed if it passes, because anyone who creates an image, sculpture, painting, photograph, ect. will have to register it in a whole bunch of private directories, with new directories being made all the time, or lose all their rights. ANY work of art not registered in ALL these directories will become an orphan, and will be "public domain." This really worries me. And since Mark Simon of Animation World Mag. wrote a really good article about it here, I'll let you read his article. Please do read about this, it is worth your time if don't want your digital photos turned into public domain, "orphan" works. Yes, it even applies to your personal digital photos!

Then, once you've read that article, there's another, more detailed one here. I must confess, I felt I got the point with the first article, and didn't read the second one. So I went ahead and contacted my representatives by e-mail. You can do that, too, and you can find out who they are by clicking here. As most of you know, I don't usually get vocal about political issues, but this is a big one, and I'm going to be sending out a group e-mail about it, too. (It will basically be a repeat of this blog post, so feel free to disregard the second one you get from me.)

O.k. I'm done on the soap box for a while now. I just hope that some of you get up and let our reps know that artist aren't always apathetic to the issues. :)

Improvement through Stabilization

Things are better. My Flower Essences tried to arrive on Thurs, but the alternate delivery person took them to the wrong apartment, so I didn't get them until Fri. But that was o.k., as they came in time to stabilize Friday's therapy session, which went much better.

I also got to go rock climbing, take a walk around a couple of big dishes, and volunteer at church.

So things are going relatively well. I have a few e-mails to write, and other stuff to do, but I keep getting side tracked. Playing with computers with M. is taking priority while I'm here. Luckily, or not so luckily, depending on how you look at it, I will not be working this week. The lucky part is more time for personal projects. The not lucky part is less dough.

M. wants me to try another experiment. More later.

Still on the Roller Coaster

I've been up and down so many times in the past 24 h. that it's getting hard to keep track of how I'm feeling. But overall, things are well. Having time off today is good, and I've been reasonably productive in my procrastination.

Making plans to climb tomorrow eve. The exercise will be good. The weird thing is, I've been having dreams about climbing lately. And then the opportunity shows up. I think I just had another climbing dream last night. Synchronicity again?

Settling

Things seem to have settled a bit. A friend of mine reminded me that emotional purging is a bit like other types of purging--you need to get it out, and you feel better once you do, but the process is pretty icky. Good analogy. :)

I'm on my bike again today, which is good. Exercise always helps me feel better.

I got to see several of my friends yesterday, including some of the younger ones. Playing with them was good for my heart.

I get some unexpected time off tomorrow, as the volunteer assistance I had planned to give turns out not to be needed. I hope to be able to use the time well.

Why?

Why am I a mess right now? Why is getting help making things worse instead of helping? It's rather confusing. Some of my emotional mess got sorted out this morning. That was good. Unfortunately, most of what's going on is more amorphous and less easy to solve.

On the positive side, I found an Iowa state quarter in my change from Farmer's Market. I've been looking for one out here on the west coast for a while now, so I was pretty excited to finally find on. :)

Another good thing: Meet the Doulas Night on Sunday was huge--hopefully I'll get some calls or e-mail. I've had what felt like really good nights twice now, but no calls . . . If they would just call . . . Well, this is why I took the nanny job.

The rest of this week looks equally hectic. I might get on-line to most more, and then again, I might not. We shall see . . .

Funk

I'm in a funk. I'm full of contradictions, as this avatar shows fairly well . . . I did another one, a fairy in fairyland, and that's where I'd like to be, but I'm not there right now. My life is in shreds and I'm having trouble making decisions and coping and I'd really like to mope and complain, but I think that wouldn't be fair. I don't have it that bad.

Part of this funk is related to therapy, and part of it is related to Ender's Game, which I found really disturbing. Using a little kid to wipe out another species just because the human race has convinced itself that the other species is out to get them, despite having no recent evidence of animosity from the other species. Well, it just bothered me. And they didn't even tell the kid that it was for real until he was done--he thought it was all a game--ugh. Not emotionally helpful at the moment . . .

Made a hard decision to take care of self first and play later. Am not entirely happy, but results will probably be better, overall.

Need to make a decision about which Erin Mckeown concert to attend. SF concert is more appealing in all areas except travel. Local concert is, well, local . . . Need to make decision today and don't feel up to it. Wish external circumstances would swoop in to assist . . .

Enough grumpiness. The !&#% has hit the fan and it's coming back at me. So I'm sending it out to dissipate. Maybe not such a good strategy from the rest of the world's point of view, but I can't hold it all anymore.

Synchronicity

I just logged into my e-mail to write to a friend, and found a message from her waiting for me. Pretty cool!

Everything else is about the same. Progress in lots of areas. Mostly joyful.

Peace.

Life is Good

And this is a surprise, because I ought to be grumpy and moody. Hooray for Flower Essences. They are already making such a big difference in less than a week. For example: had a deep conversation on a potentially emotionally intense topic last night with no tears or anger. Wow! this is powerful stuff. Pretty cool.

Also, saw a fun movie last night: The Forbidden Kingdom. It had two famous martial arts stars in it, who have totally different styles--or so I'm told. I'm also told that they may never have starred together before. But I thought the blending of styles made for more depth and enjoyability.

Now my computer time is running out. More later. :)

Bathing

O.k., I'll admit it, I've gotten into taking baths. I like them, but I get board and want to get out (or the water's too hot and I want to get out) fairly quickly. So last night, I put the new flower essences that I got on Wed. in my bath, and, Wow! I'm sure part of it was the good audio book and the perfect water temperature, but my mind and body were able to relax in a totally different way, and I attribute that to the flower essences. I swear, I was in the tub for at least a full half hour.

So that's my excitement. I'm still trying to be productive and get stuff checked off my "to do" list, and, slowly but surely, I'm making headway. Like travel plans that were put in place today, and the confirmation of a new copy of a certificate I need for a certification to be put in the mail yesterday. Like googling directions to the location of a class and calling a bank about an account issue. Stuff like that.

Not much other news. I'm going to be posting a rant about the Orphan Works bill soon--look for it. :)

Cycling by Choice

Car repair accomplished with hefty price tag. But the price of repairs is still less per year than payments on a new car would be, so it's o.k.

Expected package arrived--am very excited to have new tools for emotional stability. :) Began reading the included information and immediately found more I want to order. Also led to the discovery of a very interesting flower: clitoria. And you can guess why . . .

Didn't hear from my friend until late in the day, but had nice conversations with M. and parents.

Today I am glad of a Northwest facing apartment--it stayed cool all morning, despite the growing heat. I didn't even know until I stepped out at 2 that the weather was so warm.

I cycled to the library in Downtown Campbell. Boy am I out of shape! But I took the rout with the least stoplights, so that made life easier. :) Now I have letters to mail and a deposit for the bank. Life is good.

Car-less

My car is in the shop due to an oil leak. Meaning I get to walk and get excercise. This is good.

Had a good evening last night with M. and at Covenant Group. Am expecting a call from a friend, today.

Trying to decide on which of Erin Mckeown's concerts to attend. Determined to make it to one, but the closer one is directly before an all day, business-promoting event, and the farther one will probably end up costing more due to paying train fair and possible cover charge, even thought the ticket is cheeper . . . Decisions, decisions.

Emotions are surprisingly more stable. Didn't expect Hypnotherapy to be so effective so quickly.

Smoothies

I've gotten really into having smoothies as my afternoon snack the past few weeks. I've been trying for several years to find a way to incorporate more fresh fruit into my diet. I've tried buying it to eat as an afternoon snack, and in just sits in the bowl and rots. So this spring I decided to start making smoothies. I have a convenient little wand blender that came with a smoothie cup, and I just put in soft fresh and frozen fruit, add juice concentrate, yogurt, and water, and blend! I can make them in the morning and leave them in the fridge, all ready to satisfy my mid-afternoon cravings. Another benefit is that I use more yogurt in smoothies than in lassi (an Indian flavored yogurt drink), and that gets me more B12. (Calcium, too, but I don't think that's as important, as I can get calcium from veggies. B12 is the one essential nutrient that isn't found in the plant kingdom.) So there's my nutritional rant for the day. :) Oh, and did I add that smoothies are delicious, especially when made with fresh fruit from a local farmer's market?

The rest of my life is pretty complicated. Taxes are finally done, but now my car has an oil leak. Therapy is beginning, but baby-steps are all I can take at the moment. Convolutions in emotions lead to convolutions in inter-personal relationships. Money from new job is good, but drive is long. Arrive home hungry and tired, but too wired to meditate. Will have to get past this somehow. Grump, grump, complain, grump, growl, grr. Actually, I'm not feeling that bad, I just realized what I sounded like, and that's really how my life has been the past few days. Hoping for some peace soon. Here's hopin'. :)

1040 Number 3

I found yet another mistake in my tax calculations, so now I'm on my third round of trying to fill out the 1040 without making any mistakes! Ack! Wish me luck. ;) Maybe the third time's the charm . . . Here's hoping, anyway. :)

Having an o.k. weekend. M. has a friend from collage visiting. It's nice to be able to meet one of his friends, but certain factors are resulting in some personal stress for me. Some of them are un-related, like being overtired and busy with work-related stuff and taxes, but others . . . Well let's just say that the whole thing is less stressful than expected, and I'm coping relatively well.

Work-related things have gone well. Spoke to many potential clients and did some volunteer work that may save me money later. Now am hungry and in need of going home for a snack and some meditation.

So, that's all for now. More detail when I'm happier.

Tired and Grumpy

Tired from dreaming last night--you know the kind of dreams that wear you out and leave you exhausted? Yeah, that kind.

Grumpy for no good reason. Worrying about groundless-ness of worries is a bad cycle. Trying to talk self out of same worries is worse. It doesn't work. Option might work, but only with focus, not if trying to do other things as well. Would probably have to sit down and write. Will try to find time for that after taxes finished and before discussion, tomorrow.

Some things are good. Taxes nearly done. Bills paid. Registration for BABI Fair complete-just needs to go in mail. Cards to family sent. Remembered important birthday--must get and send cards!

Really, not much else to say. Will write more when life is better.

Progress

Progress is being made. Sent a necessary fax for one project. Made a necessary phone call for another. Now have an interview for Thursday. Am scheduled to meet a friend of M's on Friday, give a talk that evening, and do some volunteer work on Saturday. Progress is good.

Re-learned an important lesson about communication: people want to talk about themselves and are often satisfied with a minimum of information about others.

Finished listening to The Fellowship of the Ring and checked out The Two Towers. Have listened to these books before, but am enjoying a repeat performance. Wish I could find a local library with the recordings of The Mists of Avalon series and The Left Hand of Darkness. Would like to hear both of those again. Am still waiting on requested copy of The Amber Spyglass and vaguely wondering how the author will reconcile the idea that, because evil things are done in the name of "The Authority" (God), The Authority must therefore be bad and should be destroyed. Am looking forward to further understanding of this. :)

Am about to be signed off of Library terminal--more later.

Processes

Current Processes

• Taxes
• Emotional Stabilization
• Financial Document Organization
• Continuation of the Name Change Saga
• Spring Cleaning (includes sorting of possessions)
• Seeking Work/Promoting Business

All goes well and things move, if slowly. An order placed here, a phone call made there, a document downloaded, an e-mail replied to. Questions are asked and answered, leading to further exploration. But isn't that what life is all about?

We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time.--T. S. Eliot

I've had that thought in my head, rolling around in response to a somewhat on-going conversation about stagnation.

Parentheses and Quotation Marks

Am feeling a bit more stable, despite another emotional outburst yesterday. (Outburst isn't quite the word I'm looking for. Maybe obstacle, or event or issue? I don't feel like digging in a thesaurus just now--if you were there, you know what I mean, if not, it doesn't matter.) Did get all worked up, but was able to stay sane enough to keep some perspective and look for solutions rather than for problems. (That might not sound like much, but it's a big deal for me--am usually so good at paining self into corners and putting self in boxes.)

Am still in the process of doing taxes--found an error that will save some money if corrected. Am also now working on a "paperwork reduction act" of own for home and "documents that must be saved."

Had an orgy with the fresh produce at today's Farmer's Market. Always seem to go through one of these in early spring when all the produce starts to appear. End up buying more than can be eaten by one mouth in a week, but usually end up enjoying all the variety. :)

Had some unexpected, but very welcome company at lunch. Should now wash up and meditate before this evening's entertainment begins. Had planned to go out and buy one more thing, but time is growing short and other needs seem more pressing.

Better

Had a better day. Talked to both parental units without getting angry or upset--this is good. Also, did some volunteer work for BABI. Mostly spent the time chatting/debriefing with other birth professionals. But logged about half an hour volunteer time. Need to get in 10 hours by August for a discount on membership next year--shouldn't be too hard, but we shall see.

Not much else, really. Books on Tape/CD, e-mails with friends, talk with M., enjoyable covenant group. Got excited and volunteered to do prep for an upcoming meeting--now wonder what I was thinking--I don't know what to ask people to think on for that topic! Will try my best.

Overall, feeling much more stable and relieved to have found a professional whom I think I can trust.

And hungry. Have a snack waiting at home, calling me. Calling . . . calling . . . Perhaps it's time to go . . .

First Contact

First face to face contact with a potential professional helper went well. Feeling safe so far, but will sleep on it. Have asked for references, mostly to know if said professional was comfortable giving them, but always good to check with things like this--you never know.

Driving was nice. I'd forgotten how soothing it can be to just drive, especially while listening to jazz radio . . .

Have a meeting of my covenant group tonight. Topic is "Advice". Still thinking about what I might want to say on that subject besides quoting my favorite advice (no pun :p) from a friend:

"Unsolicited advice amounts to criticism."

Not much else to say at them moment--more later.

Update

Still sleepy and moody, but making some progress. Work went well the other day--baby holding is good therapy, as expected. Certain predictable hormonal shifts make moods more manageable, while deep conversation helps stabilize and minimize worry factors in certain areas. Tears are good cleansers and dreams are better processors than tantrums. ;)

Made contact with to professionals, who will, hopefully, prove helpful in addressing certain issues over both the short and long term. Have an interview with one tomorrow and a consultation with another on Thursday. Am also planning to join a "mailing party" on Wednesday and have plans with M., church people, and other doulas for the weekend. Having some sort of schedule should help with the moods and also with being motivated to use my time well when I am at home.

Am looking forward to the return of one of my friends to phone conversation range and hoping for a chance to converse with another friend via e-mail or phone in the near future. Had a short notice visit from a third friend on Friday. Was great to have some girl-time and to hear a different perspective on some things. Had good quality time with M. on Saturday and again today, and may be having more of that tomorrow, still trying to decide about that . . .

Hay in the Emotional Wiring.

Taxes on hold until 1 April due to complications that may result in less financial outlay. Emotions going haywire have kept me home, trying to cope. Have found some temporary help and am looking into longer-term solutions for underlying problem. Work later today. Should be good therapy, of a sort . . . At least it will take me "out of myself" for a while.

Am still intending to work on Spring Cleaning and creation of Web Site, but have been too sleepy and moody to do much . . .

Monday, Monday

Final day of taxes, I hope. Have now downloaded all relevant information. Can then begin on spring cleaning and website development.

The weekend was good. The weather was beautiful. Work was satisfying and one social engagement led to a one-time job for this week. More moula!

Easter Sunday included a flower communion at SKUUC, the church I used to attend, with M. Was really nice to see old friends and re-connect. Lunch was a bit difficult to find, as most places were closed for the holiday, but we found an open cafe with decent sandwiches. Then we went hiking up in the hills above Lake Chabot. It was clear enough, and we were high enough that we could see the City from the hills. M. got some pictures, but I didn't have my camera.

In the evening, we went to see Horton Hears a Who. It was a fun movie that stayed fairly true to Dr. Seus's book--even the animation reminded me of his art. :) So, all in all, a good weekend, and looking forward to a good week.

Country

I've been listening to a lot of Country music lately, due to a malfunctioning CD player. Am planning to remedy the malfunction with a new player as the old one is 6-8 years old and would probably cost more to fix that to replace. Will be keeping the old player for tape deck function.

But the Country music thing is rather new to me. I used to think I hated Country, but I'm coming to like it. Is it that the Country on the radio is more like pop, or that I'm living in a big, urban area, and the lyrics to some of the Country songs remind me of the "down home" small town values I grew up with? Or is it just that I never used to feel the need for a good cry, but now, when I do, Country is sure to trigger one? :) Whatever the reason, I did some cleansing crying this morning.

I also had a discussion with M. about one of our on-going topics. We have several on-going topics, and one of them was keeping me up last night, worrying, so I thought it was time for further discussion.

Had a small hitch in tax prep, but was able to solve it on-line this afternoon. I've slowed down a bit on my momentum with all that, but a day's worth of focused attention on Monday should bring it to conclusion.

Cough is much improved. Am looking forward to work and social engagements over the weekend. Will be out of the house and away from computers most probably until Monday afternoon. Will report then. :)

Knock, Knock

Who's there?
The Floor Guys. Its 8 am and we're here to redo your bathroom floor like we were supposed to yesterday, only we couldn't, so we told your manager (who didn't tell you, apparently). Oh, and by the way, we're going to be putting your toilet in the tub, so you won't be able to use it until we're done (but we're not going to actually tell you that--we're just going to do it).

Luckily, Walgreen's has a customer restroom and I used that before inputting a photo order. Actually, it's been a really productive day. I nearly finished my tax calculations last night, and got the final form I need on-line this morning. So I should be ready to put stuff in the mail tomorrow or Monday! Yay! (Actually, I enjoy playing with numbers, which is all doing taxes is, really, so that probably makes it easier for me to get done. Plus, I know what I'm doing now. The first couple years I did this, I had a huge learning curve.) Once everything is in the mail, I can move on to spring cleaning and professional web site development and trying to finish the requirements to get my DONA Certification.

Talked to M. last night and again this morning. I did quite a bit of phone calling this morning once the workmen finished, around 11:30. My cough is better, not gone, but better, and everything seems to be falling into place. Now I just need to rustle up some clients for April and May, and keep finding more as I go. Eventually, hopefully, I'll have enough work to make this, if not profitable, at least a viable way to support myself. Time will tell. I must persevere.

Tax Attack

I am attacking my taxes with a vengeance. I thought that the multiple jobs I worked this year might cause excessive confusion, but actually, things are moving along fairly quickly, thanks to WiFi at the library. I've got most of my book keeping in order, and It's only taken about 2 days of focused attention.

The funny bit was when I opened up a letter to discover that, according to them, I'm a man and married to myself. I went to the local IRS office today to clear up this issue, which is left over from changing my first name several years ago. :) It was just a matter of letting them photo copy some documents and signing a statement. Then I informed the nice tax guy a bit about what I do as a postpartum doula. All fun and good except the high price of downtown parking.

Oh, the other fun bit was that there were supposed to be workers in my apartment by 8 am today to fix my bathroom floor, but they didn't show. I "waited" for them until 1 pm, but then I had to go deal with taxes.

Enjoyed fresh air at a nice park with M. yesterday before Covenant Group. The playgrounds were really cool: they had neat play structures which were surrounded by a dry "lake" and had what looked to be water features. I'd like to go back in the summer and see if they turn on the water when it's warm. One of the playgrounds was meant to look like a pirate ship/dessert island. It was ringed with palms which were full of birds talking about the sunset.

Now moving on to water collection, TM, food, and *maybe* a bath or early bed or something nice like that. I got some homeopathics at the store yesterday, and my cough has improved. I have hope of being able to actually work on Sat, and can rest up more tomorrow and Fri, as I am not needed yet. :)

And Still Better

My cold continues to improve, although I am concerned that my cough may still be in evidence on Thurs. This could be a problem, as I am scheduled to look after a baby while his parents move house . . . I've been sleeping a lot, with hopes of speeding my recovery, but I may be adding homeopathic treatment, soon, as well.

Had a discussion about possible future fun adventures in the Bay Area. Ideas of stuff to "do" are suddenly plentiful--apparently all one has to do is put a little attention on looking. :)

Have some things to put in the mail and then plan to attempt to start on taxes once home, or at least by tomorrow. The weather is beautiful, I thoroughly enjoyed my walk to the lib. and am looking forward to the walk back home. :)

Frog-ish

I'm feeling better, but I sound like a frog--no Meet The Doulas for me. Weekend has gone well. Good conversations, good company, feeling more centered. (Had been going through a lot of personal inner termoil, hence the short posts--not much is appropriate for public media posting at the moment.)

Now I need to sign off and make a phone call to be sure that people who need to know that I won't be showing up know and have a little time to find a replacement speaker. Really had hoped to be well enough to give my talk today, but it can't be helped now . . .