Making Friends

Can be a slow process. There is a woman at my church I've been wanting to get to know, but somehow, every attempt I made at conversation fell flat, until today. I while ago I realized that she might be shy, so today I approached her differently--I tried to be more low key--and it worked! We had a short conversation and I learned something new about her. I have hope that we may be able to connect more in the future. It was very satisfying.

Party Pooper?

Am I a party pooper for sleeping in with my husband instead of getting up early to go to Jazzercise on a Saturday morning? Personally, I think that 3 classes a week is enough for me right now. And anyway, with church on Sundays, Satruday is the only day of the week that we can really laze in bed. :)

Anyway, I ought to be working on plans for our trip, but I'm procrastinating becuase I got an e-mail that stirred me up a bit. But I have piles of dishes and laundry to attend to, not to metion packing and other last minute things. Uhg. Wish me luck!

Crazy Lazy

Life has been pretty hectic for me the past week or so, and I've been lazy about posting in my blog. The thing is, there's nothing really to post about. Things are going well, but my time is overfull and its hard to prioritize. I'd better get on with some more of the things on my To-Do list today . . . I'm always overly optimistic with those lists. :)

Rain

It's a rainy day, and I'm happy about it. I hope we get more rain this winter. I've been pretty worried about the drought. I have my car back, without too big a dent in my wallet. All the walking I did without it was really good for me, but I'm still glad to have it back.

Life is pretty good right now. I've been focusing on building relationships and getting exercise and it seems to be helping my mood a lot. Of course, I know that there are deeper issues that may need more professional help at some point, but that can wait until we figure out our budget . . .

Car Trouble

On Friday am my car wouldn't start. But I'd just driven it the day before. So we decide to get jumper cables and jump it. Only there is so much corrosion on the terminals that we can't get at them to make a connection. So we try to clean it off. And try to jump it. And still nothing happens. So I call a tow truck this morning and have it taken to the shop.

Finally they get back to me and scold me for all the battery acid. What was I supposed to do? Not clean it and call a tow without trying anything? I had to at least know that the extra money was necessary.

Anyway, it sounds like the battery and starter are fine--it's a battery cable that's corroded and needs replacing. And the battery acid needs to be cleaned up so the problem doesn't self-perpetuate. Ugh. At least it should be working again, soon. :) That will be good.

The other good thing is that I've been able to continue with my Jazzercise classes because they are close enough to walk to--I don't even really need to take public tranist. The exercise is really helping both my mood and my productivity. So at least one thing is going well.

Slow News

You know that it is a slow day in the news room when this is considered the top story out of 32. Or else something is wrong with Yahoo. Either way, is it necessarily a bad thing?

Pandora Walking

Am playing with Pandora radio these days as I try to make progress on-line. I am such a procrastinator!

Actually, I've done pretty well today, considering that my car wouldn't start when I turned the key this morning. I suspect the battery, although I can't figure why it would be dead--I didn't leave the lights on . . . If jumper cables won't work, I may have to resort to a tow truck. Ugh. Those things are expensive out here!

But back to the day. I started a Jazzercise class on Wed. & didn't want to miss today's class, so I took public transit there & then walked back, running my errands along the way. I only missed the first 15 minutes of class, which are warm-up anyway, & I got that walking to and from the lightrail station.

This evening I get to meet some of DH's coworkers. I'm really looking forward to it. :) I can't ever go to his office or anything b/c his company is a gov. contractor & there's all kinds of security & secret clearances and stuff. Pooh. Oh well. I'm not complaining. In this economy income is good, & the gov'ment is paying! :)

Big Plans & Changes

Sorry to have been so silent folks--big things have been brewing. Things like honeymoon plans and haircuts and of course T-Day.

Yes folks, I got a haircut. Dramatic enough that people at church today did double takes. It's just above my shoulders, layered, with a few bangs. And no, I am not going to post a picture on-line. I like to keep my image private for security reasons. :)

The honeymoon plans are also staying private until we get back. Then, of course, I will have lots to stay.

As to Thanksgiving this year, I did the extended family thing, and realized that all the people who said it would be great to have me there because they didn't see enough of me at the wedding, just talked to each other and mostly ignored me. What's with that? I guess it's better, in the end to spend time with them in smaller groups. In big groups, one never gets "enough" time with any one individual.

DMV Success

In only 1.5 hours. Not bad, considering it was a Monday afternoon. Name and address changed on DL and car title. New ones in the mail soon. So I am without a valid photo ID for several weeks. Hmm. Well, I do have my passport, but the name is wrong . . . How will that go over with other name-change aspects, I wonder?

Anyway, back to trying to unpack my kitchen so I can move the furniture that is blocking the heater and keeping the apartment cold . . . Very motivated for this, now the weather has turned cool . . .

Back to the Farm

I stopped going to the Farm about the same time I stopped blogging. Today was my first day back after the wedding. I came away with lots of produce and inspiration. My lunch was unbelievably yummy. There's still enough variety of food there that I don't have to supplement from the Farmer's Market or grocery store. In the winter and early spring, when all they're growing is peas and fava beans and lettuce, then I'll pop by the Farmer's Market for my orange veggies, but for now, fresh and free is best!

I tried not to get my hands dirty, in an effort to preserve my manicure, but I don't think it will last much longer. My nails were long when I got it, and they continue to grow and begin to get in the way . . .

Still flying high from the wedding. Have a meeting to attend tonight and chores in the kitchen and thank you notes to write before then . . . busy, busy as ever, but without the pressure of the wedding deadline, it feels much more easy to bear.

Back in Blogging

The worst of the craziness is over and I have a little time for updates again.

The wedding was wonderful. Everything I could have hoped. All my plans went well, and even the inevitable snafus were manageable. It was simple and sweet and everyone had a good time. M & I even got a day away from it all, and we're planning a longer trip in the near future. It feels good to be married.

The past 6 or 7 weeks of planning were really hectic, though, and now I have to get on with several new projects, like thank you notes and unpacking the new apartment and changing my name with all the agencies.

And also I need to move forward with old projects like bread baking and farm work and church leadership. Onward, upward, forward! O, Brave New World of Matrimony.

Too Busy to Blog

Way to busy right now with wedding planning to blog much. Hopefully will be able to pick up again in a couple of months . . .

Down Side

So I managed to hook onto an unsecured network at home and immediately managed to waste most of a morning on-line. Well at first it was productive, but it has since spiraled down into procrastination. I ought to eat and get to the farm.

Escaping Plans

This wedding is taking on a life of its own. I'm doing it so fast I can't obsess, but that is kind of scary, actually. It's not taking shape at all the way I expected. I think it will be good, but I have to let a lot of preconceived, cognitive commitments go.

Peace Lily

My Peace Lily is budding! I get to finally see a bloom after owning it for more than 2 years! I am so excited! It's such a treat to watch it floreshing in my window. :)

Collage Dayz

Ran into an acquaintance from Collage today who had just moved to town. She was nice to me and seemed happy to see me and asked for my number. Maybe I've found a new-old friend . . .

Glue-Town

Now I know why its called gluten--it's just like glue. And I also know why flour paste can be used as glue . . .

Why do I know? Rye bread with gluten flour. Sticky! But yummy. Good plain or with ghee or in a sandwich. Eating more sandwiches lately. Convenient for being out and about at lunch time. Also have been learning how to sun-dry veggies. The farm has a make-shift sun-dryer. We've been making summer squash and tomatoes. The tomatoes are acidic, but the summer squash are suprisingly sweet and satisfying. Yum!

69 Erotic Enforcement

Seriously. Saw it on the back of a black and white car today while driving around looking at potential wedding locations. Go Figure. LOL.

ShadyShake & Cycle Picnic

Rode my bike into town today with a picnic lunch. Had planned this ahead of time, but not well enough--it took all morning to get started! Had home-made English muffin sandwiches--yum!--at a small park. Got to watch kids playing in the water feature. Am now at lib. doing "business."

Went to an outdoor performance of As You Like It on Sat. eve. with M. Was quite taken by some of the costumes--am inquiring into how to get one of my own . . .

Some of my plans have gone and turned somersaults over the past two weeks. Am getting ready to go into high gear due to some of the topsy-turvy changes.

Walking in the Park

"Found" a "new" park today. Apparently M suggested it a while back and I nixed it--can't figure out why--it's a great place. Nice trails, nice playgrounds, nice radio planes. It even had a climbable tree. Haven't been up a tree in way too long. Had forgotten how soothing it is to be in a tree just feeling the breeze and watching the leaves. Was a little worried that some "official" would come along to say that climbing trees wasn't allowed, but got lucky and got to enjoy. :-)

Yogurt Rice

Have been having fun in the kitchen--about the only place I've been having fun lately. I'm just a grouch. But I made this really yummy yogurt rice with cucumbers and tomatoes today. Mmmm! :) Now on to craziness of to volunteer church activities this evening, the end result of which is having to meditate and eat 2-3 hours earlier than I am used to. This could be difficult. I might end up even grouchier then usual due to hunger and/or tiredness. Ugh. At least I have more yummy yogurt rice for dinner! Yay!

Energy Crisis

I"m having a personal energy crisis. Maybe I've been doing too much or staying up too late, but I am tired and unmotivated when I'm at home. Maybe it's the heat, too.

Nevertheless, I was productive this weekend. I got to meet on of my fiance's collage friends on Friday. My fiance and I met with our church's new minister about the wedding on Sat. morning and I had a babysitting job in the evening. And today I've been running errands and doing research and updating my calendar. Good thing, too, because I found a scheduling conflict I need to correct.

I am also starting to have more success in selling off my birth books. Yay!

So all in all, things aren't that bad.

Kreative Kitchen

I've been playing with foods and flavors and having so much fun. It started with a cheep, enriched rice, that had a funny taste. That prompted me to try flavoring my grains, and now I'm heading home to try my herb bread that's been cooling while I did my on-line business. :)

Wedding Fever

I've had a relapse of wedding fever. This dread disease that affects all brides to be had gone into remission for a few weeks, but resurfaced this past weekend due to a combination of a visit from a friend who will be one of my attendants followed by a field trip to a potential location that seems perfect, except for the price. Now I am back under again, going deeper into planning, with the resultant symptoms of obsession, worry, and sleeplessness. I am told that the disease is not fatal and there is a cure, but I must wait until after the wedding for hope of complete relieve. Until then, all I can do is treat the symptoms and hope for a few more temporary remissions.

Inertia Dream

It is so hard to break free of the inertia of all my stuff. Getting rid of it shouldn't be so hard! But I find myself frustrated by one road block after another, and no matter how sincerely I mean to focus on listing stuff on line, sorting, or whatever, something always slows me down. UGH!

Being at Home

Am so happy just being at home these days. I have projects, and It's not like I don't have things to do, but I am really focusing on myself and my personal life and it feels so good.

Like yesterday--I got the house tidy and vacuumed. I'd forgotten how good it feels to live in an orderly space. Really need to get some of the clutter out, instead of just relocating, but organizing is a good start.

Did more corn work at the farm this morning, and came home with okra, kale, tomatoes, potatos, summer squash bounty.

Happy and hungry--better go eat!

Music in the Park

Tonite. With M. Better go do my TM.

Cranky Farmer

I've been cranky for a couple of days, and getting out to the Farm to day only helped temporarily. I really ought to get that corn in my car home and into the fridge so it doesn't starch up too much.

Avatar

Can't get it to show up on my blog on either of my parents' computers--just a link, not the picture. What's up with that?

Home

It's funny. I haven't lived here in 5 years, and even before that, it had been 6 years since I'd been a permanent resident of this particular abode. Yet it is still home. It feels good. Even with the humidity.

The corn fields are soggy. Not as soggy as last year, but still wet enough to limit growth in some places.

And we learned that grain dust is explosive. That's why mills were dangerous places to work and why grain elevators sometimes blow up. Interesting.

Crazy

Things go well, and then they turn on their heads and I'm a wreck again. Do I ever get to get off the roller coaster? Or is this just what people mean when they call it "life"?

Peace

New Flower Essences equal better sleep, more relaxed attitude, and still being able to stick up for myself. This is good. :)

Captain Hook

I swear I saw him crossing the street today. Bandanna, Red Coat, Attitude and all. But he still had both hands. He must not have met the crocodile yet . . .

Relief

After weeks of dealing with the emotional aftermath of what should have been a relatively minor incident, I have finally found relief. I checked out a book from the library, and it had the specific suggestions I needed to change my attitude and expectations, and this change is what has brought much needed relief. I didn't realize how much energy I was wasting on trying to ignore this issue and my worries about how to solve as yet unknown future potential problems. Gives new meaning to the term "energy drain."

Good Busy

So I hadn't intended it to take so long to post again--I guess I just got busy. But it's been a good busy. I went to a fabulous Big Band concert at a local collage on Thurs. M joined me at the Farm for a few hours of pinching side shoots, digging, and transplanting on Saturday. I have been able to be fairly productive on lots of fronts. So life is pretty good. :)

Walking Again

Since I quit my job, I haven't been getting as much exercise. I try to walk to the library, but that's less than 2 mi. round trip, nothing like the hour up and down hills I was getting before. So today I took a walk with an acquaintance from church. It was flat, but we went for at least an hour and a half, and I feel tired in a really good way. I expect to sleep well tonight!

Minor League Fun

Yesterday, my fiance took me out to a minor league game. It was really fun, even though it was hot. We cheered and ate soft pretzels and salty sunflower seeds and generally had a good time. It was much more relaxed than the major league game we went to last summer, and much closer to home. :) They had all sorts of contests and competitions throughout the game, which were sometimes quite distracting from the game itself. The home team won, which gave the fans a chance to cheer more.

And it was good to have fun together. Wedding planning can be so overwhelming, and things have been pretty serious overall lately. It was really nice to have a chance to relax and something lighthearted to focus on.

End of Uncertainty

The Unitarian Universalist church I attend has been "in search" for a new settled minister for 2 years. I joined the church just after the previous settled minister left--an interesting time to join a congregation. We have had 2 "interim" ministers in 2 years, moved from 1 service to 2, and had all sorts of other upheaval.

I've made friends and really love this community, even though it has some of the "fishbowl" characteristics that I moved to Cali to get away from. My fiance and I have been the main (for a while the only) young couple in the congregation, so we get quite a bit of attention. For example, when we announced our engagement, there was sustained applause from the congregation.

But back to the search for a new minister. Our search committee thought they had found a match for us back in March or April, but that fell through and everyone started getting worried. Then, about a month or 6 weeks ago, we found out that we had a new canditate, one that was actually interested in taking the position at our church.

This past week, we have had two chances to hear her "preach" (can you call it preaching if they don't tell you what to do or how to live???), several opportunities to get to know her socially, and yesterday, and chance to vote on whether we wanted her as our new minister. Of the 58 people who attended the meeting, it was a unanimous YES! So we have a new minister. It feels good. I really like her. She is a warm person with plenty of energy and enthusiasm. I'm looking forward to when she starts with us in the fall.

The Good News . . . And More Good News

So the good news is, some things are going much, much better. I have been a total wreck all week, mostly due to denial of certain realities. Acknowledging them seems to have made a huge difference. It's almost funny, because I can get so high and mighty when I think someone else is denying something they're feeling, but then I go into denial myself, and don't even see it. Of course, denial is one of the stages of what I'm really going through, so this might all be legit, but it's still slightly amusing. In hindsight.

And what I thought was bad news, is actually good news, too. I thought I might have made a mistake on an on-line order, but I didn't. All is good. At least for the moment. Except that I really need to get home, because I have somewhere to be in a few hours. Somewhere good. :)

Announcement

I'm Engaged! M. proposed a couple of weeks ago, and I said, "Yes." It was really special, and I love the ring he gave me. He took me out to dinner at a fancy, Indian restaurant, and proposed at the end of the meal. I was super lucky to have one of my friends coming for a visit, so I got to share all my joy and excitement with her.

Unfortunately, since then, things have gotten a bit challenging. It seems as if everyone's first question is, "Have you set a date?" Ha! Bet you were just about to e-mail me and ask exactly that. So here's the answer. "We're working on it." I'm trying to do research in that direction, but it has raised more questions than it answered, and I'm feeling really overwhelmed right now. So, much as I appreciate peoples good wishes, I'd appreciate it even more if I could get a break from all the questions. Is there any way for congratulations to come without the strings?

BTW, this is the "official" web announcement. There hasn't been a big group email-to-all. So don't feel left out if you're finding out about it here.

Research

Am finally getting my teeth into a research project that has been brewing for several months. It feels really good to be taking concrete action on this. Can't say what it is yet--still classified--but soon . . .

Another Sale

O.k., call me shallow, but it's quite a rush to sell things on-line. This could get addictive. Except that I'm still not sure it's worth the energy for the items that only sell for pennies.

Gardening

Got out to the Full Circle Farm Garden today--and saw several people I know. Some I had met previously, some I'd met at the Farm a different day. My hands are still dirty from pinching corn side-shoots.

On a different note, Green Hope Farm has a beautiful new web site that is much easier to navigate. I'm having fun exploring it.

More work is going on in my apartment, today, but this should be the last of it. Should being the key word here . . .

Progress

I've been checking off a lot of stuff on my to-do list. I'm not sure whether that's because I'm dividing my list into smaller steps or I'm being more productive, but it feels good. :)

I voted today. I really like voting in local elections. I spend time researching the issues and figuring out how to vote. But then I seldom check the results. I care more about the process of having my say than about how things turn out in most cases. Only when it's something really important to me, like Prop 8 was last General Election, do I bother to check the results.

Lazy Weekend

It was too hot this weekend, and I forgot that heat creates sluggishness, so I didn't turn on the A/C and didn't get much done, except catch up on sleep.

I'm making up for it now. I mailed my first on-line sale and am listing more stuff and getting other important "to-do's" checked off my list. :)

Coming Out

I've been at home (mostly) for 3 or 4 days now, doing a lot of very important, but also very hard, emotional work. Now I've reached a point where that work can slow down and I can get back to doing things in the big world. I hope I haven't over done it with all the errands I ran today. I just need to do one more thing and then I can go back to my cave.

Workmen will be reappearing at my apartment on Monday. I think I need to move some furniture. Ugh. And other things. I'm supposed to get new paint in a couple of rooms, a new heater, and a new counter. Having those things will be cool. Getting them won't. But at least there won't be too many more water outages. :)

Grateful

So grateful to my friends for the talks we had yesterday. It was so good to have people to connect with. And I really appreciated the opportunity to listen. It took me out of myself and gave me a chance to focus on someone else. But it was also nourishing because there was an even flow of give and take. I'm starting to get back into perspective, back into balance. I'm still waiting for a particular shift, but things aren't quite so overwhelming today.

The King and I

My boyfriend took me to see The King and I last night. It was a lovely production in a nice, small theatre with great costumes and good acting. A lot of the songs had additional verses that aren't on my soundtrack and I hadn't seen the movie in a long time, so the plot still held some suspense for me. All in all, it was a good evening.

Karmic Relief

Last night, in the midst of trying to deal with all my challenges, I remembered that I am in a planetary influence in my life right now which, among other things, brings delays. So is it any wonder that I'm spending a lot of my time waiting these days? Remembering this helped me to stop blaming the individuals who appeared to be responsible for the delays and give the responsibility back to the planets, since it's their job of sending me my Karma and make sure I learn the relevant lessons. Thinking of it that way helped me let go of being able to create any particular outcome through my actions. Instead, I can relax into the present and just let the future unfold without worrying about it.

Of course, all day yesterday I was doing things to try to help myself feel better. I had an Option session. I worked intensively with my Flower Essences--carrying Emergency Care and creating a mix for opening my heart and being more present and loving and accepting of circumstances in my life. Doing these things probably laid the foundation to help me remember about the Karmic influence of the planets.

This morning I remembered something else that is always very comforting for me: One idea about Karma is that we each have mountains of Karma in heaven from all our many incarnations, but each time we are born on Earth we pack a suitcase of Karma to deal with in that life. Now that could sound discouraging, except that, if we get through all the Karma in the suitcase, then all the mountains in Heaven are forgiven and we can finally be in union with God. To me, that demonstrates how much God loves us and how great God's forgiveness is, if all we have to do to reunite with God is get through one small suitcase of Karma. :)

Bad Day

Right now, it seems as if the universe is conspiring against me again. A good deal of pressure let up last week, but now other things that were in the background have come to the fore, and I'm in the hot seat again, at least emotionally. Hopefully, it will all be sorted out soon, but unfortunately it's all stuff I have no control over, and it's the waiting, more than anything, that's getting to me. So just don't expect me to be chipper for a few days.

KidPower

I forgot to tell all about my fabulous FullPower Workshop (given by KidPower). I'm already using the skills I learned in it. It was a wonderful and empowering experience. Even though I'd read about a lot of the skills we learned, it was good to actually practice them. One thing that was very useful to me was the demonstration of how my safety is more important than my, or anyone else's, embarrassment. Another helpful thing was learning from the instructors that it is possible to feel very aggressive and upset inside and still not show it in one's face/bodylanguage.

Taking the workshop re-affirmed for me how much I want to get involved with this organization. Right now, they are re-vamping their volunteer system, but I can still talk about it. And blog about it. And when they figure out what needs they have that voulunteers can fill, maybe I can do something more. :)

I'm very excited, can you tell?

Aleluia

Led another singing service at church today. It went off well, according to the congregation, which is good. But I am really tired. Have been lying around for an hour or two doing nothing. Maybe that is good, too. I don't normally take that kind of break. I guess I'll get back to being busy tomorrow. :)

Reprieve

I have been going through the mill this past month, but after a good deal of thought, healing work, and deep conversation with those closet to me, I have finally found the solution that was right in front of me all along. It's weird how we block ourselves from seeing the obvious solution. I thought I would have to move away from the Bay Area for a while, but it turns out that there is a way I can stay. I feel so relieved. So happy. So grateful to have figured this out before it was too late to make it happen.

Blessed Be.

Bang, Bang, Clang

So go the plumbers. But my unit is mostly done. But it will take another week or two to finish the building. So I deal with the materials taking over the yard I don't use because it's full of cigarette butts and bugs and doesn't get much sun.

Working at the Full Circle Farm is really fun. I met someone yesterday with interesting ideas about one of the businesses I'm looking into starting. I have a dozen or so ideas--part of my job right now is to narrow things down to what I really want to do. And how to make it lucrative. That's the real trick, isn't it?

Fun, fun, fun.

Coming up for Air

Today is much better. I've been under a cloud of worry about certain events that finally began to take place in the past few days. Just having things underway helps a lot. The invasion of the plumbers has started and *hopefully* will not be as horrid as expected. Personal life is starting to have a bit more promise.

Small Business Class is progressing. Decided to stop waiting for answers that were not forthcoming. Am a bit disappointed in the gap between advertised "interactivity" of on-line class and lack of teacher help when I posted my question in the appropriate place.

Working on plans to solve financial problems. Moving forward. Glad for current reprieve from depression. Not holding my breath, but not confident I'm out of the woods yet, either.

Business of Living

I've been quite lately because I've been so grumpy it's been hard to come up with anything to post. But on the good side, my mom found me an excellent self-help book called Life the Life You Love which I'm using to help me figure out what I really want to do. I'm also taking an on-line class in starting a small business. I keep coming up with great ideas, but since most of them involve running my own business, I thought I'd better get some business smarts! So here I go. Wish me luck!

Standing Up For Myself

I'm starting to learn that if I want my needs taken into consideration I need to stand up and make them known. I'm working on doing this kindly, but strongly. It's hard to find the balance between meekness and belligerence.

Coming Back to Balance

My life is finally coming back to balance, and I'm starting to organize how to go about looking at my options and figure out what do do next and what my priorities need to be. What's helping the most it being involved with stuff like volunteering and social groups. I've started attending my library's knitting club and volunteering at a local organic community farm and I might even join the church choir--all things I've been wanting to do, but didn't have time for while I was working. So life is starting to be good again.

All Fall Down

Well, everything I was juggling collapsed on Tuesday. I'm trying to pick up the pieces, sort through them, and figure out what the new picture is, now that some of the pieces to the old picture are gone.

I've been up and down and am trying just to get my barrings. I have several ideas of what comes next, but nothing firm yet.

The World's Not Falling Apart--Yet

Continuing to work after giving notice is harder than I expected it to be. I think this is the last time I'll give such a long leeway when I give notice. I guess there really is a reason that two weeks notice is standard for jobs.

I know that life is about learning lessons. I'm trying to keep the learning as painless as possible. I have a healing session later to day--that should help. :)

Family Time

Spending the weekend with a friend and her kids. I used to live with this family, and it's really easy to slip back into the routine with them and feel at home. I almost feel more at home here than in my own place, but not quite, especially since they have cats now . . . Luckily the daughter has a trundle bed in her room that I can sleep on and we can keep the door closed.

The kids have a party to go to this afternoon, so I'll get a little free time then. I wish I'd known. I would have brought my own computer. But at least I have internet access and my thumb drive. :) 

Yogurt

I've been trying to learn how to make yogurt at home, and I think I've finally got it! It seems that the store bought yogurt doesn't culture well, initially, but eventually, by re-culturing it, it seems to turn out well. My latest batch is so nice and smooth and tasty, it's even delicious just plain! The first few batches were so grainy, it was kind of frustrating.

Pantheism

There was a talk on Pantheism at church yesterday. I expected to really enjoy it, as I suspect that I am a Pantheist, but I felt that the speaker missed and muddled a lot of things, so I was actually disappointed. He talked about how Pantheist revere the Universe as God, (and say that there God is not separate from or grater than the Universe) but seemed to think that "The Universe" meant only outer space, and that our immediate environment on Earth is not part of that, but is part of "Nature", which he saw a separate from "The Universe". He focused on what I would call the Cosmos. I would say that the Cosmos is part of the Universe, and so is what he called Nature. When I think of the Universe, I think of it in broad terms, encompassing everything from tiny, subatomic particles to our everyday world to the solar system and the Cosmos of galaxies and stars and also including some sort of guiding, supreme intelligence, like God, but not personified.

He also referred to different schools of thought within Pantheism. One of them was something he called Dualism, which seemed to say that there is an intelligent, supernatural presence (or many presences) in the Universe that is a part of the Universe and also directs it. I liked that until he said these descriptions of the supernatural were just "helpful metaphors" for describing natural phenomenon. Then he talked about two other schools of thought which seemed entirely separate to me, but he lumped into one idea--illusionists and physicalists. He said that illusionism can be seen in Hinduism and Buddhism and is based on the idea that the physical world is an illusion.

That was fine as far as it went, but I would combine it with the Dualism school of thought to say that the physical world is an illusion that keeps us from seeing the underlying reality, which is the absolute, unchanging creative intelligence which is our deepest or highest Self and which creates, maintains, permeates, and destroys the Universe. Saying that Buddhists and Hindus believe that the world is an illusion, without saying anything about the reality behind or beyond that illusion, makes them look silly and primitive and superficial.

The third category, the physicalists, believe that the physical world is all that exists, but, like all three types of Pantheists, still reveres the Universe as other religious doctrines revere God. Phyiscialism is category is the one the speaker seemed most comfortable with, but I'm not even sure he like this one, because he seemed to think "The Universe" was separate from "Nature" and it seemed that Nature was really important to him.

So now I don't know. I think I'm a Pantheist, but maybe not, because I do believe that there is an absolute force of life and creative intelligence, kind of like God, but more abstract, which was here before the Universe was manifest on a physical level, and which will still exist, even when the Universe becomes unmanifest again.

Another SLO

I have another Significant Learning Opportunity (SLO) today. Someone asked me to do something I really don't want to do. In a note. So I'm not doing it. I know that's passive aggressive, but I don't want to set a precedent and so if I do chose to do it once, I want to let them know first that this is not something I would normally do, and I'm doing it just this one time. And in order to let them know that, I have to talk to them. So I'm not doing it. At least, not right now.

What's neat is that I felt really upset when I read the note, but then I acknowledged my feelings and remembered some of the things I've been learning about saying, "No." Like, starting from the assumption that I'm not going to do the thing, and then working out how to tell the person. And so I worked out what I will and won't say, if it comes up in conversation, and now I'm feeling a lot better. :)

Or I was feeling better. Writing about it got me all tensed up again.

Feeling Accomplished

Did a lot of big things this weekend. Led Sunday Service and Church. Gave notice at my job. Switched my cell phone from postpaid to prepaid. Got a new number--since this phone will be for emergencies only, will not be giving out the new number. Hosted a meeting for a church group--everyone liked my cooking. :)

Feeling good! Making plans for changes in my life. Trying to get back to doing things I'm passionate about.

Lost and Found

Lately, my house has been eating my stuff. My favorite tape-cutting scissors disappeared first, then my hand salve, then my favorite pencil. Well, last weekend, while I was searching for the pencil, I found the hand salve under my bed. Then today, I found the pencil in my Day Runner. Now where are those scissors?????

Baby Hug

Got a very sweet hug today from the baby I look after. It's been 6 days since I've seen him, and apparently he missed me. It was quite touching. But I still enjoyed my time off!

Saying No

I'm discovering how hard, and yet empowering, it can be to say, "No," and set my boundaries. It really does free me up to do more of what I want. The hard part is saying it in the kindest way possible. I got a book out of the library that was supposed to help with this, but all the examples in it seemed to harsh to me. I guess my idea of being kind is a bid "radical"? Who knows. But I know that this is an important part of my spiritual journey right now.

Changes

Am preparing to make some big changes in my life this spring. Hopefully all will be positive, but am anticipating some stress related to the process of change, even if the eventual outcome is good. Am feeling really good about the projected future. But the current process requires a lot of thought and conversations about logistics.

Also, had a fabulous Ortho-Bionomy session. Really transformational and very enjoyable. :)

Oh and now I'm working on that infamous April 15th Deadline. Wish me luck!

Kick in the Butt

How many times to I need to get kicked in the butt before I figure out that quitting, even with all the financial challenges it entails, might actually be better for me than staying in this job. Then again, maybe I'm here for a reason. I am having a lot of opportunities to release old karma. But just how much is too much? What is worth enduring for spiritual growth? When is getting out of a bad situation running away, and when is it self preservation? And while I'm here, how do I figure out what is my baggage and what is theirs, when it all seems so jumbled together? What do I carry with me, and what do I leave behind?

For now, I just try to forgive and let go while I'm at work, then deal with all the messy emotions once I get home. Singing meditations help. So do appropriate Flower Essences. I know I'm learning lessons, but are the lessons worth the price?

Cellular Jungle

Braved the jungle of cell phone companies and regulations and separate departments over the weekend in an attempt to switch from a contracted account to a prepaid account. It turns out that even though my 2 year contract expired several months ago, I still have to wait until my monthly contract expires in two weeks. Ugh. But the first person I talked to neglected to mention that, so my service got suspended, but I couldn't start new service for two weeks. How annoying! So then I had to spend an hour trying to convince SOMEONE to re-connect my phone SOMEHOW so if something terrible happens in the next two weeks I'll still have cell phone service. Amazing how addicted I've become to knowing that little device is available in case of an emergency. What did we do before mobile phones were invented? Oh yeah, people actually stopped and helped each other! That's right! But we're too independent now to be interdependent any more. Grr.

But other than that I had a good weekend. :) And I did learn something from this whole fiasco.

Found Something

Nil

I've been trying for 2 hrs to think of something worth posting. Some up-date worth giving the world. And still nothing comes to me. Nada. Zip. This baby is going to wake up soon, and then I'll have missed my chance. So I'll post a nothing post, instead.

Life Lessons

One of my big life lessons this time around seems to have to do with setting boundaries. I keep ending up in jobs where the people I work for have a hard time "letting" me set my own boundaries. This is not a good situation, because I can get so strongly defensive of my boundaries if I am repeatedly pushed.

This morning I spent an hour on the phone with my mom, figuring out how to set an important boundary without resorting to anger and threats and name-calling. It hasn't come up so far today, but I'm able to cope with that, because I know that I am prepared to respond if it dose get mentioned. My mom even helped me come up with a possible alternate solution to offer! :)

Snorring Old Men and Falling Pets

So we are finally getting some much needed rain. It feels more like a proper winter--we've been having a drought the past couple of years with not nearly enough rainfall. This winter is feeling more like the winters I remember from my first couple of years out here--lots of intermittent rain with some sunny days in between. I'm not sure what's really "normal" for this climate, given El Nino, and Global Warming and all that, but rain is good. :)

Wet weather did somewhat dampen my weekend--the Farmer's Market was rather soggy--but I still had a lovely V-day with my BF. Also spent time planning a church service for next month and doing projects around the house.

Fab Friends and Food

Had a fabulous day yesterday with S. Although we've tried to keep in touch since she's been living abroad, it's been hard and we had a lot of catching up to do. It was great to be together and just talk and talk and talk! :-)

California seems to be full of rainbows. I know Hawaii is the Rainbow state, but I think I've seen more rainbows this winter, than I saw in all my years growing up in the Midwest. Seeing another one today reminded me of a Friday the 13th rainbow I saw several years ago. That was the first rainbow I can remember seeing. Ever.

Oh, one more thing, I'm learning to make yogurt at home. My latest batch gelled and tastes like yogurt, but it's pretty grainy. I still have to perfect my technique, but I'm getting there . . . I'm getting there!

Better

Don't know what happened, but things got better today. I woke up in a good mood. Yay! And I've stayed in a good mood. And it doesn't feel forced. This is good. Maybe it has to do with looking forward to seeing a friend I haven't seen since last year about this time. Hmm . . . Maybe it has to do with sticking up for myself. Maybe . . .

Help! I'm Melting!

All this reading about crying seems to be stirring up a lot of emotional junk. I keep telling myself that what I'm feeling now is the result of the junk coming loose and the wounds finally healing, but I keep having meltdowns over little things and it's getting embarrassing and annoying. Even I don't really want to live with myself right now. Although I know it will be better when all this stuff is out, I just wish I didn't have to go through the ick of getting it out. Oh well, I'll manage somehow.

More Crying

I had a good cry last night and another one this morning and I feel so much better. I guess that proves the theory that crying can be a stress release mechanism. My favorite quote so far from the book I'm reading is, "Crying is not the hurt, it is the process of becoming unhurt." It explains so well why I feel so much better after a good cry. :)

Crying

Reading a really interesting book about the benefits of crying, specifically in children. It's called Tears and Tantrums and it's by Aletha J. Solter, Ph.D. I actually really wanted to read her other parenting books, but the local libraries only had this one. So I'm exploring her web site here. It's helping me understand myself and also the baby I look after. I suddenly feel a lot more calm and accepting of him when he cries, and a lot less nervous about making him stop crying. This is good. I'm a better caregiver when I'm calm.

Making a Differnce

So yesterday, on my way home from work, I turned on NPR and heard the tail end of a discussion of the testing for lead in toys issue. It sounds like maybe my blog post and e-mails to representative and senators had an effect! The latest news is that mandatory testing will be delayed one year. You still can't sell toys with too much lead, but testing isn't mandatory, so safe, homemade toys won't be pushed off the market quite yet. And that give people time to get some changes put into effect to help make these laws less detrimental for individual craftspeople and small businesses. Yay!

(That's me on the left doing my "Happy Dance.")

Down Time

Am looking forward to a weekend "off." May decide to stay off-line, as well. Have a couple of things to do, but mostly plan to just "be." Hoping for sunny weather and maybe a walk somewhere . . .

Productivity!

I got really inspired this weekend and did a lot of projects that have been on the to-do list for ages. I have this little drop-leaf table, about 2 to 2 1/2 feet square, and the legs that hold up the leaves needed reinforcing with corner braces and L brackets, etc. One of them had been previously reinforced, but needed a little more, the other was so wobbly I was almost afraid to use it. Now both legs are strong. And I did it all by hand. I bought a little hand drill and some bits, in case screwing the screws strait in with a screw driver was too hard, but it wasn't and I don't thing even a power drill would have made things go much faster. I just might not have gotten blisters on my hands. But they were only little ones and healed fast, and it felt so satisfying!

I also got some little mending projects done, along with shopping and housecleaning and did I mention a special night in with my bf?

Good Times!

Time to Knit

Made time this morning for going to a yarn shop with an open table for projects. Am hopping there will be others there to socialize with. Also, got a chance to catch up with an acquaintance while running an errand. Happy morning!

Guess I Really Can't Complain

Am really happy that it's finally raining again. We need it, and too much blue sky is boring. Although it was kind of fun and funny when we had 70-80 degree whether while the rest of the country was below zero. The only down side is it slows my commute and I don't get my walks with the baby--his parents don't want him getting wet.

Learning Curve

So I was all proud of myself for setting boundaries and came up with a way I could say "yes" to a request that I wasn't thrilled about, and then the other person went and pushed for more. And I gave in. And now I'm feeling bad about myself and walked-on again. :-(

On the bright side, I had the morning to myself, and I have two long audio books that are well written (as opposed to the filler I've been listening to) to enjoy.

OverTesting

So as nanny of an under-one I've heard a good bit about the lead-in-toys fiasco. Stopping it sounds like a good idea, but going to these lengths? There's this new act being proposed that will mandate testing for all toys and items that might ever be used by anyone under 12. Fine for Mattel, but what about the bath puppets I knit for my friends and relations? If I wanted to start selling them, I'd have to spend between a few hundred to several thousand dollars to comply with the testing regulations, and that's per toy. Even though the materials were certified lead-free in the store.

I'm writing my congress person.

More info at Mama-is and Handmade Toy Alliance

Or watch this:

Knitting in a New Era

Last night, I went to my first Knispirations meeting. And there was very little knitting. Instead it was stenciling. But still cool and crafty and the people were nice and I think I'll be going back. They invited me to join their meetup group as well, but it's the same week as another commitment. Different day, but still, it just might be too many evening things with work being what it is . . .

Speaking of work, listened to the NPR broadcast of the inauguration on my commute this morning, then arrived during a musical interlude to find the TV on and got to see the rest. Including the Presidential oath and speech. Very cool. Inspired me to go looking for those campaign photos from Silicorn Vally that Mom told me about over my last visit. Found what she was talking about. That was cool, too.

Night at the Symphony

Last night, my BF took me to the symphony. It was really special. Not only was it wonderful to hear that kind of music live (something I rarely, if ever, had the opportunity for growing up in silicorn valley), but there was flamenco dancing with the first act and flamenco guitar with the second act. Actually, the guitar was the real draw for me. I love the kind of guitar music with lots of finger picking and complexity. The highlight, for me, was the guitar solo encore.

I'm in a local coffee shop again. Fairly soon, I'll get my DSL hooked up at home, but until then, I'd rather donate to the local coffee shop than the major chain retailers for hotspot use. :)

Another Reason to Homeschool

Thank goodness I was never sent to school; it would have rubbed off some of the originality. --Beatrix Potter

Button, Button, Who's Got the Button?

My B.F. took me to see The Curious Case of Benjamin Button yesterday. A very well made movie with lots of compelling ideas about life and death that questions all our ideas about aging and puts everything into a new perspective. Won' t say more so as not to spoil it for anyone.

Deep Funk

Still feeling emotionally off. Watched a movie last night until I was too tire to do anything but sleep. Woke up in a really deep funk. The sink full of dishes didn't help. Avoided most of them for now--planning to eat lunch out, or bring carry out in . . . Have been in this funk for a week and a half now. Can't figure out what is wrong, much less what will help. Ugh. Continuing to plod along without much success.

Spent the morning working on a personal project that has been in the back of my mind for a while and finally started congealing last week. Finally had breakfast around 11a, and then went out to the Farmer's Market. Am now at a coffee shop with free WiFi, planning to head to Whole Foods for more shopping and lunch soon.

On-Line Time Line

So I'm experimenting with some on-line calendar software, as a way to keep track of my schedule, and also let others know when I am free. I like it so far. It's not as nice as some I've seen, but its free and it works. What more can I ask for?

Life is o.k. Last night I got home to find a message from a friend on my phone--a nice surprise as I haven't heard from her since last month. I'm in the process of changing how I do long distance calling, which means changing my cell phone plan, and will hopefully result in less cash outflow to the phone giants. :)

Looking forward to a weekend of math, kids, farm fresh produce, and law.

Midwives and Real Estate

On Dar Williams' newest album The Promised Land, she has a song that she says in the liner notes was inspired by an article on how the need for land may have fueled witch hunts. The lyrics of the song are subtly descriptive of a midwife supporting a mother though labor and birth. I was really pleased at the way she used her music to honor these often misunderstood women. Here's an article that mentions the connection--scroll to the very bottom.

The whole album is nice. It's different from her older albums--less ballads, more covers and co-written songs--but I'm growing to really like it. Of course, I like her voice and she still has a wonderful way of painting pictures with words . . .

Worm Hole Window

Got that problem fixed with the mistaken uninstall--found out what I did wrong, too. Used a tool called system restore--unfortunately, I couldn't go back in time far enough to fix the original problem of my computer no longer playing DVD's or Audio CD's properly . . . Oh well.

Have enjoyed a very nice day with my BF, and have returned to some capacity to play DVD's. The speed is weirdly variable, but they play, and my computer can now stand by again, too. It was really annoying when it couldn't stand by . . .

Found out about those knights, too. Sans fog they look like statues or ply-wood stand-ups. Still pretty cool . . . Maybe I'll get a closer look one day . . .

Ren Fog?

So driving home in the fog yesterday, I thought I saw to knights on horseback with full armor and lances. Did they get transported from some medieval tournament? Was there a Ren Fair going on nearby? Did my eyes deceive me? Whatever happened, it was pretty cool!

Mistaken uninstall

Have been trying for over a year to fix a video problem on my computer. Decided to uninstall and reinstall a bunch of stuff, but one thing that I thought was not important apparently was, and now things are worse than ever! Am considering switching to a new OS in hopes of fixing the issue, but planning to try reinstalling current OS first . . .

Ugh!