Settling

Things seem to have settled a bit. A friend of mine reminded me that emotional purging is a bit like other types of purging--you need to get it out, and you feel better once you do, but the process is pretty icky. Good analogy. :)

I'm on my bike again today, which is good. Exercise always helps me feel better.

I got to see several of my friends yesterday, including some of the younger ones. Playing with them was good for my heart.

I get some unexpected time off tomorrow, as the volunteer assistance I had planned to give turns out not to be needed. I hope to be able to use the time well.

Why?

Why am I a mess right now? Why is getting help making things worse instead of helping? It's rather confusing. Some of my emotional mess got sorted out this morning. That was good. Unfortunately, most of what's going on is more amorphous and less easy to solve.

On the positive side, I found an Iowa state quarter in my change from Farmer's Market. I've been looking for one out here on the west coast for a while now, so I was pretty excited to finally find on. :)

Another good thing: Meet the Doulas Night on Sunday was huge--hopefully I'll get some calls or e-mail. I've had what felt like really good nights twice now, but no calls . . . If they would just call . . . Well, this is why I took the nanny job.

The rest of this week looks equally hectic. I might get on-line to most more, and then again, I might not. We shall see . . .

Funk

I'm in a funk. I'm full of contradictions, as this avatar shows fairly well . . . I did another one, a fairy in fairyland, and that's where I'd like to be, but I'm not there right now. My life is in shreds and I'm having trouble making decisions and coping and I'd really like to mope and complain, but I think that wouldn't be fair. I don't have it that bad.

Part of this funk is related to therapy, and part of it is related to Ender's Game, which I found really disturbing. Using a little kid to wipe out another species just because the human race has convinced itself that the other species is out to get them, despite having no recent evidence of animosity from the other species. Well, it just bothered me. And they didn't even tell the kid that it was for real until he was done--he thought it was all a game--ugh. Not emotionally helpful at the moment . . .

Made a hard decision to take care of self first and play later. Am not entirely happy, but results will probably be better, overall.

Need to make a decision about which Erin Mckeown concert to attend. SF concert is more appealing in all areas except travel. Local concert is, well, local . . . Need to make decision today and don't feel up to it. Wish external circumstances would swoop in to assist . . .

Enough grumpiness. The !&#% has hit the fan and it's coming back at me. So I'm sending it out to dissipate. Maybe not such a good strategy from the rest of the world's point of view, but I can't hold it all anymore.

Synchronicity

I just logged into my e-mail to write to a friend, and found a message from her waiting for me. Pretty cool!

Everything else is about the same. Progress in lots of areas. Mostly joyful.

Peace.

Life is Good

And this is a surprise, because I ought to be grumpy and moody. Hooray for Flower Essences. They are already making such a big difference in less than a week. For example: had a deep conversation on a potentially emotionally intense topic last night with no tears or anger. Wow! this is powerful stuff. Pretty cool.

Also, saw a fun movie last night: The Forbidden Kingdom. It had two famous martial arts stars in it, who have totally different styles--or so I'm told. I'm also told that they may never have starred together before. But I thought the blending of styles made for more depth and enjoyability.

Now my computer time is running out. More later. :)

Bathing

O.k., I'll admit it, I've gotten into taking baths. I like them, but I get board and want to get out (or the water's too hot and I want to get out) fairly quickly. So last night, I put the new flower essences that I got on Wed. in my bath, and, Wow! I'm sure part of it was the good audio book and the perfect water temperature, but my mind and body were able to relax in a totally different way, and I attribute that to the flower essences. I swear, I was in the tub for at least a full half hour.

So that's my excitement. I'm still trying to be productive and get stuff checked off my "to do" list, and, slowly but surely, I'm making headway. Like travel plans that were put in place today, and the confirmation of a new copy of a certificate I need for a certification to be put in the mail yesterday. Like googling directions to the location of a class and calling a bank about an account issue. Stuff like that.

Not much other news. I'm going to be posting a rant about the Orphan Works bill soon--look for it. :)

Cycling by Choice

Car repair accomplished with hefty price tag. But the price of repairs is still less per year than payments on a new car would be, so it's o.k.

Expected package arrived--am very excited to have new tools for emotional stability. :) Began reading the included information and immediately found more I want to order. Also led to the discovery of a very interesting flower: clitoria. And you can guess why . . .

Didn't hear from my friend until late in the day, but had nice conversations with M. and parents.

Today I am glad of a Northwest facing apartment--it stayed cool all morning, despite the growing heat. I didn't even know until I stepped out at 2 that the weather was so warm.

I cycled to the library in Downtown Campbell. Boy am I out of shape! But I took the rout with the least stoplights, so that made life easier. :) Now I have letters to mail and a deposit for the bank. Life is good.

Car-less

My car is in the shop due to an oil leak. Meaning I get to walk and get excercise. This is good.

Had a good evening last night with M. and at Covenant Group. Am expecting a call from a friend, today.

Trying to decide on which of Erin Mckeown's concerts to attend. Determined to make it to one, but the closer one is directly before an all day, business-promoting event, and the farther one will probably end up costing more due to paying train fair and possible cover charge, even thought the ticket is cheeper . . . Decisions, decisions.

Emotions are surprisingly more stable. Didn't expect Hypnotherapy to be so effective so quickly.

Smoothies

I've gotten really into having smoothies as my afternoon snack the past few weeks. I've been trying for several years to find a way to incorporate more fresh fruit into my diet. I've tried buying it to eat as an afternoon snack, and in just sits in the bowl and rots. So this spring I decided to start making smoothies. I have a convenient little wand blender that came with a smoothie cup, and I just put in soft fresh and frozen fruit, add juice concentrate, yogurt, and water, and blend! I can make them in the morning and leave them in the fridge, all ready to satisfy my mid-afternoon cravings. Another benefit is that I use more yogurt in smoothies than in lassi (an Indian flavored yogurt drink), and that gets me more B12. (Calcium, too, but I don't think that's as important, as I can get calcium from veggies. B12 is the one essential nutrient that isn't found in the plant kingdom.) So there's my nutritional rant for the day. :) Oh, and did I add that smoothies are delicious, especially when made with fresh fruit from a local farmer's market?

The rest of my life is pretty complicated. Taxes are finally done, but now my car has an oil leak. Therapy is beginning, but baby-steps are all I can take at the moment. Convolutions in emotions lead to convolutions in inter-personal relationships. Money from new job is good, but drive is long. Arrive home hungry and tired, but too wired to meditate. Will have to get past this somehow. Grump, grump, complain, grump, growl, grr. Actually, I'm not feeling that bad, I just realized what I sounded like, and that's really how my life has been the past few days. Hoping for some peace soon. Here's hopin'. :)

1040 Number 3

I found yet another mistake in my tax calculations, so now I'm on my third round of trying to fill out the 1040 without making any mistakes! Ack! Wish me luck. ;) Maybe the third time's the charm . . . Here's hoping, anyway. :)

Having an o.k. weekend. M. has a friend from collage visiting. It's nice to be able to meet one of his friends, but certain factors are resulting in some personal stress for me. Some of them are un-related, like being overtired and busy with work-related stuff and taxes, but others . . . Well let's just say that the whole thing is less stressful than expected, and I'm coping relatively well.

Work-related things have gone well. Spoke to many potential clients and did some volunteer work that may save me money later. Now am hungry and in need of going home for a snack and some meditation.

So, that's all for now. More detail when I'm happier.

Tired and Grumpy

Tired from dreaming last night--you know the kind of dreams that wear you out and leave you exhausted? Yeah, that kind.

Grumpy for no good reason. Worrying about groundless-ness of worries is a bad cycle. Trying to talk self out of same worries is worse. It doesn't work. Option might work, but only with focus, not if trying to do other things as well. Would probably have to sit down and write. Will try to find time for that after taxes finished and before discussion, tomorrow.

Some things are good. Taxes nearly done. Bills paid. Registration for BABI Fair complete-just needs to go in mail. Cards to family sent. Remembered important birthday--must get and send cards!

Really, not much else to say. Will write more when life is better.

Progress

Progress is being made. Sent a necessary fax for one project. Made a necessary phone call for another. Now have an interview for Thursday. Am scheduled to meet a friend of M's on Friday, give a talk that evening, and do some volunteer work on Saturday. Progress is good.

Re-learned an important lesson about communication: people want to talk about themselves and are often satisfied with a minimum of information about others.

Finished listening to The Fellowship of the Ring and checked out The Two Towers. Have listened to these books before, but am enjoying a repeat performance. Wish I could find a local library with the recordings of The Mists of Avalon series and The Left Hand of Darkness. Would like to hear both of those again. Am still waiting on requested copy of The Amber Spyglass and vaguely wondering how the author will reconcile the idea that, because evil things are done in the name of "The Authority" (God), The Authority must therefore be bad and should be destroyed. Am looking forward to further understanding of this. :)

Am about to be signed off of Library terminal--more later.

Processes

Current Processes

• Taxes
• Emotional Stabilization
• Financial Document Organization
• Continuation of the Name Change Saga
• Spring Cleaning (includes sorting of possessions)
• Seeking Work/Promoting Business

All goes well and things move, if slowly. An order placed here, a phone call made there, a document downloaded, an e-mail replied to. Questions are asked and answered, leading to further exploration. But isn't that what life is all about?

We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time.--T. S. Eliot

I've had that thought in my head, rolling around in response to a somewhat on-going conversation about stagnation.

Parentheses and Quotation Marks

Am feeling a bit more stable, despite another emotional outburst yesterday. (Outburst isn't quite the word I'm looking for. Maybe obstacle, or event or issue? I don't feel like digging in a thesaurus just now--if you were there, you know what I mean, if not, it doesn't matter.) Did get all worked up, but was able to stay sane enough to keep some perspective and look for solutions rather than for problems. (That might not sound like much, but it's a big deal for me--am usually so good at paining self into corners and putting self in boxes.)

Am still in the process of doing taxes--found an error that will save some money if corrected. Am also now working on a "paperwork reduction act" of own for home and "documents that must be saved."

Had an orgy with the fresh produce at today's Farmer's Market. Always seem to go through one of these in early spring when all the produce starts to appear. End up buying more than can be eaten by one mouth in a week, but usually end up enjoying all the variety. :)

Had some unexpected, but very welcome company at lunch. Should now wash up and meditate before this evening's entertainment begins. Had planned to go out and buy one more thing, but time is growing short and other needs seem more pressing.

Better

Had a better day. Talked to both parental units without getting angry or upset--this is good. Also, did some volunteer work for BABI. Mostly spent the time chatting/debriefing with other birth professionals. But logged about half an hour volunteer time. Need to get in 10 hours by August for a discount on membership next year--shouldn't be too hard, but we shall see.

Not much else, really. Books on Tape/CD, e-mails with friends, talk with M., enjoyable covenant group. Got excited and volunteered to do prep for an upcoming meeting--now wonder what I was thinking--I don't know what to ask people to think on for that topic! Will try my best.

Overall, feeling much more stable and relieved to have found a professional whom I think I can trust.

And hungry. Have a snack waiting at home, calling me. Calling . . . calling . . . Perhaps it's time to go . . .

First Contact

First face to face contact with a potential professional helper went well. Feeling safe so far, but will sleep on it. Have asked for references, mostly to know if said professional was comfortable giving them, but always good to check with things like this--you never know.

Driving was nice. I'd forgotten how soothing it can be to just drive, especially while listening to jazz radio . . .

Have a meeting of my covenant group tonight. Topic is "Advice". Still thinking about what I might want to say on that subject besides quoting my favorite advice (no pun :p) from a friend:

"Unsolicited advice amounts to criticism."

Not much else to say at them moment--more later.